Washington, D.C. – America’s air traffic control system—proudly designed when rotary phones were cutting-edge and smoking in cockpits was encouraged—has once again suffered a nationwide outage, sending planes into holding patterns and technicians into a frenzy of cable jiggling and primal grunting.
The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) confirmed that the 1960s-era system, lovingly nicknamed “Aunt Beep,” crashed after a technician sneezed near a terminal in Cleveland. “It’s delicate,” said FAA spokesperson Tina Flaps. “We’re working with original parts, including punch cards, vacuum tubes, and something we found labeled ‘Sputnik-Compatible.’”
Technicians across the country have reportedly turned to their tried-and-true method: smacking tape drives like malfunctioning jukeboxes and yelling “C’mon baby!” at blinking lights.
“This entire system runs on hope, spit, and half a can of Surge from 1999,” said one anonymous IT worker in Atlanta, furiously typing code into a Commodore 64.
The ongoing shortage of air traffic controllers—due to retirements, burnout, and a general sense of “I didn’t sign up for this”—has only worsened the chaos. Flights are delayed, passengers are cranky, and airline CEOs are appearing on cable news looking increasingly like they sleep in their suits.
President Donald Trump weighed in on the situation from his golf cart, offering a characteristically unorthodox solution.
“Look, I know a lot about planes. More than the FAA. Probably more than pilots,” he said while signing autographs on vintage airline tickets. “When you’re up there and it’s foggy, just go with your gut. That’s how I made every major decision in office—and look how well that turned out. Gut instinct. Tremendous gut.”
Trump later proposed his own replacement for air traffic control: a nationwide network of “very talented people with binoculars” stationed on rooftops, waving flashlights and yelling helpful things like “Left! No, my left!”
Meanwhile, the Department of Transportation has issued a statement urging travelers to remain patient, bring extra snacks, and download meditation apps. “We understand being delayed for nine hours with nothing but Cinnabon and regret is frustrating,” the statement read, “but think of it as an opportunity to develop character.”
As Congress debates whether to allocate funds for modernization or just “see how long duct tape can hold out,” the skies remain a chaotic ballet of aluminum tubes and gut feelings.
At press time, technicians in Denver reported partial system restoration after discovering a child had accidentally rebooted a server by stepping on an IBM mainframe labeled “Do Not Touch”.
