In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one outside of Twitter saw coming, dozens of government-funded “woke” programs have been unceremoniously axed after budget cuts revealed that the public support they claimed to have… didn’t really exist.
“We had to make tough choices,” said Treasury spokesperson Linda Numbers. “Roads, hospitals, or $1.7 billion to teach plants about consent. We chose roads.”
Defunded programs include the Ministry of Microaggressions, the National Institute for Non-Binary Squirrel Classification, and the Department of Colonial Guilt Distribution, which reportedly cost taxpayers $430 million to hand out laminated apology cards at coffee shops.
“We had a Gender Spectrum Awareness Parade. Three people showed up. One was lost.”
Public Response: A Collective Shrug
Despite widespread coverage of the cuts from concerned influencers and blue-check academics, most everyday citizens responded to the news with the emotional equivalent of mild indigestion.
“Look, I support kindness,” said Sheila Thomson, a nurse. “But I don’t need a state-funded interpretive dance about it.”
Others expressed confusion over what had even been cut, with many assuming “Woke” was either a cereal or a new app.
“The truth is, regular people just want to afford groceries, not decipher the appropriate pronoun for an angry ficus,” noted political analyst Jack Realman.
“We weren’t oppressed. We were just politely ignoring them.”
Woke Celebrities Launch ‘GoFundMyFeelings’ Campaign
In response to the loss of government funding, several woke celebrities and thoughtfluencers have launched an emergency “GoFundMyFeelings” campaign, demanding reparations for “emotional labor previously performed unpaid.”
“I once explained to a barista why oat milk is a form of colonial resistance,” sobbed performance artist Brooklynn Sky (they/them/the/them). “That was unpaid trauma.”
Unfortunately, the campaign has raised only $117 in two days, with 92 of those dollars accidentally donated by an elderly man who thought he was ordering socks.
Still, activists remain hopeful. “Wokeness isn’t dead,” insisted cultural strategist Kale Evergreen. “It’s just in a non-verbal, emotionally complex, transitional phase.”
“We are still here, just without microphones or an audience.”
With no budgets, no spotlight, and no actual masses rallying behind them, the future of institutionalized wokeness remains uncertain. One thing, however, is crystal clear: when the money ran out, so did the interest.
