Madison, WI – In what experts are calling “the shiniest protest in American history,” thousands of bald men gathered outside SuperCuts locations nationwide this week demanding half-price haircuts on the grounds that, quote, “we’re only working with half the surface area.”
Clad in reflective sunscreen and wielding signs like “No Hair, No Fare!” and “Bald Lives Matter (Especially at the Barber),” the group, known as BALD (Brothers Against Lengthy Discounts), is seeking justice for what they call “years of full-priced follicular discrimination.”
“Why should I pay $25 when the barber only touches the sides?” asked Doug McMurray, a 47-year-old accountant with a gleaming dome. “That’s like buying a full pizza when you’re only getting crust.”
President Donald Trump weighed in via Truth Social, writing: “These bald guys are total losers. I’ve had the best hair since birth. Sad! Try the 18-inch combover—it’s classy, strong, and aerodynamic.”
Trump followed up by offering discounted memberships to his new business venture: Trump Tresses™, a hairpiece subscription box that includes duct tape, gold leaf, and a complimentary ego boost.
Hair salons remain divided. “We charge by experience, not square footage,” said Sheila Donnelly, a stylist in Des Moines. “Also, most bald guys just want their necks cleaned. That’s like 90% of the job anyway.”
But the movement is growing—rumors swirl of an upcoming “March for Mane Justice” on Capitol Hill, where participants plan to collectively blind lawmakers with solar reflections from their polished pates.
Meanwhile, Trump’s combover—last measured at 18.3 inches and legally classified as a support structure—was spotted waving triumphantly in the breeze.
“Hair is a mindset,” Trump told reporters. “These guys should grow up. Or at least grow sideways.”
