Brooklyn, NY – In what hospital administrators are calling “an attack on the very foundation of American healthcare economics,” a local man has brazenly refused to pay an $11,765 bill after receiving two over-the-counter aspirins and instructions to “keep his ankle elevated” following a minor frisbee golf mishap.
Greg Tisdale, 34, suffered a mild ankle sprain last Sunday while executing what friends described as “a heroic but unnecessary dive” during a competitive frisbee golf tournament in Prospect Park. After hobbling to a nearby urgent care center, he was quickly triaged, offered two aspirins from a plastic cup, and told by a nurse practitioner to “take it easy for a few hours.”
“I thought I was being responsible,” said Tisdale, who showed up in flip-flops and a T-shirt that read ‘Disc Life’. “But then I got a bill that looked like I accidentally leased an MRI machine for a month.”
According to the itemized statement, Tisdale was charged $119 for “pharmaceutical intervention” (read: two aspirin), $987 for “acute ambulatory consultation” (a 90-second chat with a medical intern), and $3,400 for “restorative positioning advice” (translation: “keep it elevated, bro”).
The remaining $7,259 appears to have been filed under a mysterious catch-all category labeled “administrative propulsion and resource synergy.”
“We are shocked and frankly offended that Mr. Tisdale would seek care and then treat our fair and completely incomprehensible billing practices as optional,” said hospital billing coordinator Janet Scalpelstein. “How else are we supposed to pay for our indoor koi pond and the CEO’s eighth yacht?”
The hospital insists the prices are industry standard. “Where else can you get two aspirin hand-delivered by someone with $300,000 in medical school debt?” asked Scalpelstein. “Besides, you’re not paying for the pill—you’re paying for the experience.”
Healthcare industry analysts note that Tisdale’s behavior is part of a disturbing trend of patients attempting to question or even understand their bills. “If this keeps up,” warned healthcare economist Dr. Bill Chex, “we could be facing a future where people expect transparency, affordability, or—God forbid—logic.”
Tisdale, for his part, has launched a GoFundMe campaign titled “Help Me Not Pay This Ridiculous Hospital Bill,” which has already raised $76, mostly in the form of sarcastic comments and memes about America’s medical-industrial complex.
“I guess next time I’ll just ice it and watch a YouTube video,” Tisdale said. “Or maybe fly to Sweden, get treated, and fly back—still cheaper.”
As of press time, the hospital had offered to knock $200 off the bill if Tisdale agreed to sign a non-disparagement agreement and follow them on Instagram.
