Rome, Italy – What began as an ill-advised culinary opinion has quickly escalated into an international incident after an American tourist, Todd Franklin of Des Moines, Iowa, told a Roman waiter, “All pasta tastes the same. It’s just different shapes, bro.”
The statement, overheard in the historic Trastevere district, was met with audible gasps, the clattering of cutlery, and at least one elderly nonna fainting into her antipasto.
The waiter, Lorenzo Mancini, a third-generation pasta artisan and part-time opera tenor, reportedly dropped his tray of tagliatelle and screamed, “Questo è un crimine contro l’Italia!” (This is a crime against Italy!).
Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni immediately convened an emergency session of Parliament, calling Franklin’s comment “a verbal act of gastronomic terrorism.” All embassy spaghetti dinners were canceled in protest.
Local news outlets labeled Franklin “Il Mostro del Maccheroni” (The Macaroni Monster), and statues of famous pasta makers were draped in black mourning linens. A candlelight vigil was held outside a Barilla factory.
“I just meant it all tastes like, you know, noodles,” Franklin tried to clarify, while being pelted with uncooked penne by an angry mob chanting “Ravioli is not rigatoni!”
The Vatican issued a rare statement, reminding the world that “God made pasta diverse for a reason.”
Back in the U.S., the State Department scrambled to contain the diplomatic fallout. Secretary of State Antony Blinken has been dispatched to offer a formal apology and possibly a gift basket of artisanal sauce.
Meanwhile, Franklin has been placed in protective custody inside a shuttered Olive Garden in Rome until tensions cool.
“I didn’t mean to insult anyone,” he said, sipping a Diet Coke. “But seriously, it’s all just chewy carbs, right?”
Authorities are now considering charges of culinary blasphemy, punishable by mandatory pasta education and 40 hours of unpaid gnocchi kneading.
