Washington, D.C. – In his latest attempt to address climate change without acknowledging it exists, President Donald Trump announced a bold plan this week to annex Antarctica and begin transporting “the best, most beautiful ice” to Texas in an effort to “lower temperatures that keep going up for absolutely no scientifically known reason whatsoever.”
“We’re going to bring the ice—big, cold ice—straight to Texas,” Trump said at a rally in Dallas, where temperatures reached 114°F and three microphones melted mid-speech. “It’s going to be Antarctica First, then America Cools Again. No more of this sun hoax!”
Under the proposed Ice Freedom Act, U.S. military cargo planes would haul Antarctic glaciers to Texas in bi-weekly flights called “Operation Chill Pill.” Experts estimate this would provide each Texan with enough cooling relief for up to 17 seconds.
When asked about the native penguin population, Trump revealed they would be deported to El Salvador under an emergency expansion of the Alien Enemies Act, last used to detain actual enemies, not flightless birds in tuxedos.
“These penguins, folks, they’re cold-blooded. Shifty. Marching around like they own the place. We don’t know what they’re up to,” Trump warned. “We’ve got enough illegal waddlers already.”
The U.S. has reportedly offered El Salvador millions in aid to construct Penguin Penal Colonies, described by White House sources as “like SeaWorld, but with barbed wire and no smiling kids.”
Salvadoran officials expressed confusion, asking if this was “some sort of elaborate Disney prequel.” Meanwhile, environmental scientists sobbed gently into reusable water bottles.
Critics have raised questions about the legality of annexing an entire continent governed by international treaty, but Trump assured supporters: “We’re just borrowing it. Like Greenland, but colder and without the Danes whining.”
When asked if melting ice would exacerbate sea level rise, Trump replied, “Water doesn’t rise, it drains. That’s just plumbing, folks.”
At press time, Trump was seen posing with a snow globe and declaring it “an incredibly successful test run.”
