Wilmington, DE – A new insider memoir titled “Original Sin: President Biden’s Decline, Its Cover-Up, and His Disastrous Choice to Run Again” is set to drop next week, and Washington is already on fire — not metaphorically, but possibly from Kamala Harris accidentally burning a copy during a staged dramatic reading.
The book, written by anonymous staffers under the pseudonym “Not Delusional, Just Employed,” claims the White House seriously discussed equipping the President with a wheelchair for his second term — not for mobility, but for “optics of resilience.”
“There was an internal poll that said 48% of Americans would feel more confident if he at least looked like he was sitting down on purpose,” said one former aide.
“He wasn’t lost — he was just wandering patriotically.”
Former Communications Director
Democrats Suddenly Remember Biden’s Brain Had a Lag
For years, Democratic leaders vigorously defended Biden’s mental sharpness, often pointing to random words he yelled confidently at teleprompters as “evidence of cognitive vigor.” But now, with the book’s revelations dominating headlines, party officials are staging a group amnesia event.
“We didn’t lie. We just strategically didn’t say things out loud.”
Press Secretary (Retired)
“We were gaslit, hoodwinked, bamboozled,” said Chuck Schumer, who reportedly once told Biden “you nailed it” after the President referred to France as “Canada’s elegant cousin.”
Kamala Harris, once his staunchest supporter, now claims she “always had doubts” but “was busy Googling what the Vice President does.”
“In retrospect, him calling Siri ‘Secretary of State’ should’ve raised flags.” — Senate Aide
Republicans Feign Outrage, American Public Pretends to Be Surprised
House Republicans wasted no time launching Investigation #412, alleging a massive conspiracy to conceal Biden’s decline. “The American people deserve transparency,” said Rep. Jim Jordan, just before hiding his own COVID test results behind a Gadsden flag face mask.
“The wheelchair had cup holders and a flag. It was inspiring.”
Book Excerpt
Donald Trump called the revelations “the biggest scandal since they tried to say I couldn’t spell ‘unpresidented,’” and suggested the book be adapted into a Lifetime movie called “The Fall of Sleepy Joe.”
Meanwhile, the American public offered a collective shrug.
“Oh wow, you’re telling me the guy who wandered off during his own speeches might not have been all there?” said one Ohio voter while restocking canned beans for the next election cycle. “You don’t say.”
“We knew. We all knew. It was like watching grandpa try TikTok.” — Voter from Pennsylvania
Disclaimer: If you believed any part of this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life a little too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
