Stamford, CT – In a bold act of corporate defiance, Stamford resident Doug Baiter made headlines this week by refusing to use pronouns in his work email signature. Facing threats of termination from his employer, InfoTech Solutions, Baiter creatively complied by listing his pronoun as “Master,” immediately igniting a firestorm of controversy.
Pronoun Warfare in the Workplace
Master Baiter, a project analyst at the firm, claims the mandate to list pronouns infringed upon his right to “grammatical freedom.” When pressed by human resources, he swiftly turned a potential pink slip into a satirical protest.
“I wasn’t refusing to use pronouns; I just prefer a pronoun that reflects my true office authority,” explained Baiter. “If they insist on labels, then ‘Master’ fits perfectly.”
Roger Key, a colleague from IT support, quickly seized upon Baiter’s initiative. Key updated his email signature to “Master Key,” insisting everyone address him accordingly during meetings.
“I finally found a pronoun that unlocks my true potential,” said Key. “Master Key has a nice ring, doesn’t it?”
Liberals Cry Foul, Conservatives Celebrate
Baiter’s tactic swiftly divided opinions. Liberal coworkers condemned him for trivializing genuine identity struggles, labeling him insensitive.
“This isn’t funny—it’s harmful,” said marketing coordinator Jessica Lane (they/she/her/them). “Refusing to use pronouns respectfully disrespects those fighting real battles for acceptance.”
Conservative groups, however, quickly rallied to the duo’s defense. Right-wing pundit Todd Banks praised Baiter and Key as “heroes of common sense,” applauding them for highlighting the absurdity of corporate woke policies.
“Doug and Roger aren’t mocking people—they’re mocking absurd mandates. These men are the real masters of common sense.”
Todd Banks, right-wing pundit.
HR Department in Identity Crisis
InfoTech Solutions’ HR team remains uncertain how to proceed. Allowing “Master” and “Master Key” opens the floodgates for creative pronouns, potentially disrupting workplace communications. Firing them risks backlash and costly legal battles.
“Our diversity initiative was supposed to promote inclusion, not titles of nobility,” HR manager Michelle Rivera said in frustration. “Now everyone wants royal pronouns.”
Meanwhile, Baiter remains steadfast. “If the policy requires self-expression, I’m expressing myself as the office overlord,” he said, grinning. “Maybe next week, I’ll upgrade to Emperor.”
As the debate rages on, Connecticut workplaces nervously await whether pronouns like “Lord” and “Majesty” become the new corporate standard—or if refusing to use pronouns altogether finally regains acceptability.
Disclaimer: If you believed any part of this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life a little too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
