WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a ruling that rocked the dessert world and sent waffle cones quivering, the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that Baskin Robbins must, by law, offer exactly 31 flavors at any given time — no more, no less. The decision stemmed from a lawsuit filed by Ben & Jerry’s and Dairy Queen, who accused Baskin Robbins of “numerical deceit” and “flavor inflation.”
Citing the iconic “Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors” slogan as a “de facto contract with the public,” the Court’s 6-3 opinion mandates that if the company adds a new flavor, it must retire an existing one — permanently.
“You don’t get to be the ‘31 Flavors’ brand and peddle 46,” said Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.
“Words matter. And so do pistachio ripple promises.”
“The Constitution doesn’t say anything about sherbet. This is activist judiciary at its worst,”
Sen. Ted Cruz
Meltdown at the Scoop Level
Baskin Robbins CEO David Hoffmann called the decision “flavor tyranny,” vowing to appeal. “This isn’t justice. It’s dessert socialism,” Hoffmann fumed. “We’re a free country. If a man wants Rum Raisin and Cotton Candy on the same day, he should have that right.
“We will not be forced to euthanize Cherry Jubilee without a fight.”
Baskin Robbins CEO David Hoffmann
Progressives applauded the move as overdue truth in marketing. “This ruling restores honesty in the freezer aisle,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren, holding a cone of politically neutral vanilla.
Conservatives Slam Decision as “Big Guvmint in the Freezer”
Meanwhile, conservative commentators erupted in outrage. “This is how it starts,” warned Fox News host Brick Dullerton. “First they come for your Pralines ‘n Cream, next they ban Moose Tracks for being too ‘problematic.’”
An emergency resolution titled the Ice Cream Freedom Act is already being drafted in the House. “American greatness is built on excessive toppings and unnecessary choices,” declared Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Flavor Funeral: Rocky Road May Be Next
Customers appeared divided. Outside a Baskin Robbins in Des Moines, Iowa, longtime fan Wendy Crumble expressed concern. “I heard they’re axing Mint Chocolate Chip. That’s basically treason.”
But others welcomed the simplification. “Honestly, 31 is already overwhelming. I just panic and get vanilla,” said local dad Steve Spoonsbury.
As the nation grapples with this chilly precedent, one thing is clear: no scoop is safe from scrutiny. In the battle over Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors, justice now comes in a cup—or a cone—with mandatory limits.
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
