Bozeman, MT – PETA demands galloped back into the headlines after a parade in Bozeman, Montana, sparked uproar. The animal-rights organization cried foul over police horses’ “profoundly sad expressions,” though eyewitnesses later clarified that the animals were simply using their natural resting horse faces.
Horses or Handlebar Mustaches?
In a press release filled with righteous indignation, PETA spokesperson Clover Fields declared, “Horses don’t consent to being ridden around town looking perpetually depressed. It’s animal exploitation masquerading as community policing.”
Fields then introduced the radical new PETA demands: retire all police horses immediately and replace them with bicycles. “Bicycles don’t have emotions—or facial expressions. They’re eco-friendly and guaranteed not to spark any sad-face controversies.”
Predictably Polarized Reactions
The reaction was instant and predictably split down partisan lines. Liberal supporters quickly jumped aboard the two-wheeled bandwagon. Local progressive leader, Skylar Peddleton, enthusiastically praised the initiative: “It’s about time police embraced sustainable transportation and stopped traumatizing animals with their uniforms and reflective vests.”
Republican officials, however, voiced immediate skepticism. State Representative Steve Fitzpatrick thundered, “Replacing majestic American police horses with bicycles is the latest pathetic example of woke absurdity. Next, they’ll insist patrol cars run exclusively on almond milk.”
The Glue Lobby Cheers Quietly
Despite the loud bickering, the glue industry watched closely, sensing a marketing bonanza. “We’re not saying we hope horses retire early, but, well—have you seen our latest glitter glue?” asked Alan Sticky, president of the National Glue Manufacturers Association. “Recycling at its finest. Horses today, kindergarten masterpieces tomorrow.”
Yet, despite political theatrics, most Americans seemed indifferent to the issue. “I didn’t even know police still used horses,” shrugged Bozeman resident Jake Blanderson, holding a balloon animal that suspiciously resembled a sad-faced horse. “But, sure, bikes seem fine, too.”
Still, PETA remained steadfast. Fields added, “Police forces nationwide must respond urgently to our PETA demands. Horses deserve to roam freely, preferably in a pasture far from school supply aisles.”
Concluding the controversy, Officer Hank Spur, head of the Bozeman Mounted Unit, sighed, “Maybe next time, we’ll put sunglasses on the horses—at least they’ll look cool while making activists confused.”
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
