Atlanta, GA – In an exciting new chapter of modern air travel misery, major U.S. airlines have announced their latest revenue-boosting strategy: charging passengers fees for entering and exiting the aircraft, and using the bathroom—because nothing says “hospitality” like a $14 charge for peeing at 30,000 feet.
“We realized we were giving away too much for free,” said Delta-Southwest-United-American Frontier-Spirit-JetBlue spokesperson Chad Blakely. “Why should basic human functions come with complimentary access when we can monetize your most desperate moments?”
Under the new policy, passengers will pay a $5 “step-on fee” to board the aircraft, followed by a $7 “freedom fee” to leave. A “breathe-easy surcharge” of $3.99 may also apply during landing if the pilots are able to guide the aircraft to the runway seamlessly without major bumps upon hitting the runway.
Bathrooms will be locked mid-flight and accessible only through an in-flight app called WeePay, offering tiered packages ranging from $4.99 for “stand-and-sprint access” to $14.99 for “premium seated relief”.
“We’re giving passengers choices,” said Blakely. “You can hold it, or you can invest in comfort. That’s capitalism with altitude.”
Passengers are unsurprisingly outraged, though most expressed their dissatisfaction silently while sipping $9 bottled water and praying for an upright seatback.
“I paid $300 to fly to Des Moines and now I owe $47 in bladder, entry and exit fees,” said traveler Denise Crumley, who briefly considered just using a paper cup and pleading ignorance.
Meanwhile, airlines are piloting additional “touch fees” for grabbing armrests, opening tray tables, or looking out the window wistfully.
At press time, executives were testing coin-operated seatbelts and considering a $10 fees for use of the formerly complementary USB charging ports.
