Seattle, WA – In a legal shot stronger than a double espresso, Starbucks has filed a federal lawsuit against rival Dunkin’ Donuts, alleging the company’s slogan “America Runs on Dunkin” is “factually impossible” and “borderline treasonous.”
The suit, filed in Seattle and soaked in caramel drizzle, claims America more accurately runs on “a complicated blend of nostalgia, fossil fuels and political disagreement,” not Boston cream-filled lies.
“Dunkin isn’t fueling the country—ExxonMobil and anxiety are.”
Starbucks spokesperson, Brie Foamington
Legal Grounds & Legal Grounds™
Starbucks’ lawyers cited studies, charts, and a customer poll conducted entirely in upscale Whole Foods locations. The survey found that less than 3% of Americans believed “Dunkin’” powered the nation, while 97% chose answers ranging from “Starbucks,” to “Big Oil,” to “whatever Joe Rogan is selling.”
Dunkin, meanwhile, released a counter-statement. “If America doesn’t run on Dunkin, why does every third police officer have an Iced Coffee IV drip?” asked Dunkin’ VP of Sugary Defense, Carla Glazeface.
Bean Counters and Bitter Grounds
The lawsuit also accuses Dunkin’ of “caffeinated nationalism” and “sprinkle-based deception.” Starbucks argues that unlike Dunkin’s humble offerings, their beverages “capture the complex geopolitical realities of the average millennial’s morning.”
“When you buy a Starbucks latte, you’re not just getting coffee,” explained Starbucks lawyer Brett Caramelstein. “You’re buying ethically sourced confusion, eight marketing buzzwords, and a drink that sounds like a WiFi password.”
America’s True Fuel?
While the legal case unfolds, experts remain divided. Former energy secretary Rick Perry weighed in, saying, “America mostly runs on corn syrup, oil, and arguments on Facebook. Coffee is just the lubricant.”
In related news, Dunkin’ has responded by launching a new ad campaign: “Okay Fine, America Runs on Gas But Walks on Donuts.”
Time will tell which corporation can claim the moral high ground—or at least the hill with the best drive-thru.
Final Verdict: If America really ran on Dunkin, it’d probably still be late, but at least it’d be sticky.
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
