Lancaster, PA & Laredo, TX – In a bold new strategy to close off the southern border with good old-fashioned elbow grease, U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) has begun “voluntarily relocating” dozens of Amish men from rural Pennsylvania to construction sites along the U.S.-Mexico border.
“If these fellas can build a three-story barn before breakfast, they can surely slap together a wall by sundown,” said CBP spokesperson Jeb Grout. “They’ve got no phones, no distractions—just raw, puritanical muscle and righteous work ethic.”
Eyewitnesses reported a caravan of black buggies rolling across Texas, trailed by confused longhorn cattle and a very determined goat named Ezekiel.
“They raised a watchtower and made jam. In the same afternoon.”
No Power Tools, No Problem
Despite having no access to electricity or motorized equipment, the Amish workers have reportedly outperformed several federal contractors who spent weeks arguing over what type of concrete to use and demanding Wi-Fi access.
“They brought their own hammers,” said one amazed foreman. “And theological debates broke out while laying bricks—it was like a TED Talk with beards.”
To accommodate their lifestyle, CBP agreed to replace power tools with “spiritually aligned alternatives,” including horse-drawn cement mixers and hymn-powered scaffolding.
One Amish leader, Eli Stoltzfus, commented, “We are simply here to build, not judge. But also, we think the wall should be shiplap.”
“We don’t believe in borders, but we do believe in symmetry.”
Patriotism Meets Pacifism, Confuses Everyone
Reactions to the initiative have been mixed, as many struggle to reconcile Amish pacifism with participation in national defense infrastructure. Still, officials maintain it’s a win-win.
“This is what America is all about,” said Senator Rex Flagburn. “Religious freedom, work ethic, and building giant symbolic structures no one asked for.”
Meanwhile, some border agents have started wearing suspenders and straw hats out of solidarity, while Taco Bell near the site now offers a “Barn-Raised Burrito” in honor of the crew.
“They didn’t build it faster—they built it holier.”
As progress surges with nothing but chisels, faith, and horses, CBP is now considering bringing in Mennonites for interior finishing and Quakers for quality control. Because when it comes to keeping people out, apparently no one does it better than those who’ve stayed out of everything else for 300 years.
