Cupertino, CA – In a press event that some described as “1984 meets TED Talk,” Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the company’s newest innovations: the iEye and iEar, wearable implants that will revolutionize how people perceive reality—by filtering it entirely through Apple’s corporate preferences.
“With iEye, you’ll only see what we want you to see,” Cook declared to thunderous applause from people contractually obligated to clap. “And with iEar, you’ll only hear approved sounds—curated news, licensed music, and Siri whispering affirmations directly into your soul.”
The devices will feature “Selective Perception Mode,” a setting that replaces unpleasant visuals—like homeless people, protest signs, or Android users—with animated emojis doing cartwheels. Unwanted sounds like crying babies, dissenting political views, or facts are replaced by calming iTunes Store jingles.
To monetize the experience, Apple has announced it will sell sponsorship opportunities to tobacco companies, fast food conglomerates, and political parties. For a premium fee, Marlboro has secured rights to display glowing billboards in users’ visual fields every time they walk by a gym, while political parties will be able to beam pre-approved stump speeches directly into the auditory canals of undecided voters.
“This is the future of sensory capitalism,” said Apple spokesperson Siri Forrealson. “Why just control the market, when you can control what the market sees and hears?”
Critics have expressed concern over personal freedom and psychological manipulation, but their statements were conveniently edited out of most users’ perception streams. One dissenter, whose protest sign was replaced with an ad for chicken nuggets in real-time, called the devices “a Black Mirror episode sponsored by Verizon.”
Meanwhile, pre-orders for the iEye and iEar have already sold out, with millions of users happily agreeing to Apple’s new 25,000-word Terms of Sensory Surrender without reading a single line.
At press time, Apple was already working on the next innovation: iMind, a device that eliminates unnecessary thoughts—like doubt, critical thinking, or memories of pre-Apple autonomy.
