Author: Chuck Factman

Wilmington, DE – A new insider memoir titled “Original Sin: President Biden’s Decline, Its Cover-Up, and His Disastrous Choice to Run Again” is set to drop next week, and Washington is already on fire — not metaphorically, but possibly from Kamala Harris accidentally burning a copy during a staged dramatic reading. The book, written by anonymous staffers under the pseudonym “Not Delusional, Just Employed,” claims the White House seriously discussed equipping the President with a wheelchair for his second term — not for mobility, but for “optics of resilience.” “There was an internal poll that said 48% of Americans would…

New Orleans, LA – A lifelong resident of New Orleans’ lowest-elevation floodplain is expressing shock and dismay after discovering that President Trump—whom he proudly voted for “three separate times, plus a write-in during a mayoral race”—has cut FEMA disaster relief funding, leaving him with no coverage after Hurricane Lurlene reduced his home to a soggy pile of drywall and hope. “I thought all that government spending was wasteful until I needed it,” said 58-year-old Chester Ray Delacroix IV, standing barefoot in knee-deep water where his living room used to be. “But turns out, when you’re knee-deep in FEMA forms, it…

Washington, D.C. – In his latest attempt to address climate change without acknowledging it exists, President Donald Trump announced a bold plan this week to annex Antarctica and begin transporting “the best, most beautiful ice” to Texas in an effort to “lower temperatures that keep going up for absolutely no scientifically known reason whatsoever.” “We’re going to bring the ice—big, cold ice—straight to Texas,” Trump said at a rally in Dallas, where temperatures reached 114°F and three microphones melted mid-speech. “It’s going to be Antarctica First, then America Cools Again. No more of this sun hoax!” Under the proposed Ice…

Lancaster, PA & Laredo, TX – In a bold new strategy to close off the southern border with good old-fashioned elbow grease, U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) has begun “voluntarily relocating” dozens of Amish men from rural Pennsylvania to construction sites along the U.S.-Mexico border. “If these fellas can build a three-story barn before breakfast, they can surely slap together a wall by sundown,” said CBP spokesperson Jeb Grout. “They’ve got no phones, no distractions—just raw, puritanical muscle and righteous work ethic.” Eyewitnesses reported a caravan of black buggies rolling across Texas, trailed by confused longhorn cattle and a…

Richmond, VA – In a bold step toward redefining moderation, tobacco giant Philip Morris has announced the launch of its newest innovation: the Marlboro Maxx Ultra, an extra-strength cigarette roughly the size of a kielbasa, promising to deliver “a whole pack’s worth of satisfaction in just one glorious puff.” “This is the future of smoking,” declared Philip Morris spokesperson Blaze Carbon during the product unveiling, while standing next to what appeared to be a tobacco-wrapped fireplace log. “People want to smoke less, but they still want to feel like their lungs just did 12 rounds with a leaf blower. We’re…

Hospitals Overwhelmed by the Proudly UnpreparedAs a rapidly spreading measles outbreak sweeps across several states, hospitals are filled with unvaccinated patients shocked to discover that “natural immunity” is less effective than internet memes led them to believe. “We just never thought this would happen,” coughed Chad Brogan, 34, a wellness coach who swears by raw liver and distrusts thermometers. “I mean, my crystals are charged and everything.” Despite refusing to get a vaccine that’s been available and effective for over half a century, many of these patients are now demanding priority treatment in intensive care units. “I didn’t trust modern…