Author: Grant Schemez

Chicago, IL – In a move that has left Chicagoans both bewildered and bemused, Walgreens has announced plans to open four new locations on every street corner across the city. The decision, revealed in a press release titled “Because One Just Isn’t Enough,” aims to ensure that no resident is ever more than 10 feet away from a Walgreens store. “Chicago is a bustling metropolis, and we believe in convenience,” said a Walgreens spokesperson. “By placing our stores on every corner, we can guarantee that residents have 24/7 access to our products, whether they need a Band-Aid at 3 a.m.…

Cupertino, CA – In a press event that some described as “1984 meets TED Talk,” Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the company’s newest innovations: the iEye and iEar, wearable implants that will revolutionize how people perceive reality—by filtering it entirely through Apple’s corporate preferences. “With iEye, you’ll only see what we want you to see,” Cook declared to thunderous applause from people contractually obligated to clap. “And with iEar, you’ll only hear approved sounds—curated news, licensed music, and Siri whispering affirmations directly into your soul.” The devices will feature “Selective Perception Mode,” a setting that replaces unpleasant visuals—like homeless people, protest signs, or Android…

Davos, Switzerland – In a stunning show of vulnerability, dozens of Fortune 500 CEOs gathered this week at the World Economic Forum in Davos to launch what they’re calling “Executive Burnout Awareness Month”—a movement aimed at drawing attention to what they call the “invisible emotional toll” of corporate leadership. “We’re exhausted,” said Craig T. Bankwell, CEO of money transfer conglomerate GlobuCorp. “You think it’s easy choosing between Aspen or Verbier for your mid-quarter sabbatical? The stress is relentless.” Surrounded by Swiss Alps, foie gras, and a private string quartet playing Coldplay covers, the executives took turns sharing their burdens. Chief…

San Francisco, CA – In a move that has rattled the financial sector and delighted fans of sepia-toned Instagram filters, Wells Fargo has officially cut ties with armored transport giant Brinks in favor of a bold new security strategy: 19th-century-style horse-drawn armored stagecoaches. “We’re not just moving money, we’re moving history,” said Wells Fargo CEO Charlie Scharf, adjusting his leather duster while posing beside a freshly waxed stagecoach named The Dividend Express. “We realized that nothing says ‘security’ quite like a wooden carriage guarded by a man named Buck with a shotgun and a complicated relationship with modern hygiene.” The…