Author: Grant Schemez

MACON, GA — A local couple is celebrating the hard-won end of a five-year car loan by enthusiastically taking out two brand-new loans—proving once again that financial literacy is no match for instant gratification. After paying off their $13,000 Wells Fargo loan on a 2012 Nissan Altima, Bryce and Kayla Martin proudly announced they had “extra breathing room” in their budget—so they signed up for a $3,500 CitiBank loan for a full-body massage chair and a $14,200 Truist loan for Bryce’s dream used motorcycle. “We’ve earned this debt. It’s our reward for escaping the last one.”Kayla Martin “We worked hard…

Washington, DC – President Donald Trump hosted an opulent dinner on May 22 at his Trump National Golf Club near Washington, DC, celebrating top investors of his questionable crypto venture, $TRUMP Token. The gala, billed as a “historic opportunity,” attracted an elite crowd, composed of international criminals, money launderers, and wealthy individuals desperate to curry favor. A Gala for the Globally Notorious “Look, other presidents grift after they leave office, selling overpriced memoirs or giving boring speeches,” Trump declared. “I’ve spent my entire life mastering the art of grift. Why stop now, or ever?”. His guests, decked out in flashy…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a ruling that rocked the dessert world and sent waffle cones quivering, the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that Baskin Robbins must, by law, offer exactly 31 flavors at any given time — no more, no less. The decision stemmed from a lawsuit filed by Ben & Jerry’s and Dairy Queen, who accused Baskin Robbins of “numerical deceit” and “flavor inflation.” Citing the iconic “Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors” slogan as a “de facto contract with the public,” the Court’s 6-3 opinion mandates that if the company adds a new flavor, it must retire an existing one…

Redmond, WA — In a bold leap backward, Microsoft announced plans this week to begin building coal power plants—specifically, 1,800 of them—to meet the growing energy demands of its AI platforms. When pressed on why the company wasn’t investing in cleaner energy, Microsoft spokesperson Jenna Coalbridge said, “Honestly, we’re just trying to keep the president happy and West Virginia relevant. Solar power doesn’t win elections.” “This will make West Virginia smoggy and proud again!”President Donald Trump Dusty Dreams and Digital Schemes According to internal documents, the coal initiative is part of a larger strategy to “future-proof the past.” With most…

Bentonville, AR – Shoppers nationwide were stunned this week as it was discovered that Wal-Mart increases prices on thousands of household items—ranging from air fryers to inflatable unicorn sprinklers—due to newly imposed tariffs on imported goods. The news was met with confusion, outrage, and several TikToks expressing dismay. While the cause of the increases was clearly tied to tariffs, a wave of political gaslighting followed. “We were told tariffs would punish other countries, not our wallets.”Shopper Sally Hoopenloper, while abandoning a cart with 37 patriotic-themed garden gnomes. CEO Uses “Math” to Justify Price Increases Wal-Mart CEO Doug McMillon, speaking from…

Chicago, IL – In a move that has left Chicagoans both bewildered and bemused, Walgreens has announced plans to open four new locations on every street corner across the city. The decision, revealed in a press release titled “Because One Just Isn’t Enough,” aims to ensure that no resident is ever more than 10 feet away from a Walgreens store. “Chicago is a bustling metropolis, and we believe in convenience,” said a Walgreens spokesperson. “By placing our stores on every corner, we can guarantee that residents have 24/7 access to our products, whether they need a Band-Aid at 3 a.m.…

Cupertino, CA – In a press event that some described as “1984 meets TED Talk,” Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the company’s newest innovations: the iEye and iEar, wearable implants that will revolutionize how people perceive reality—by filtering it entirely through Apple’s corporate preferences. “With iEye, you’ll only see what we want you to see,” Cook declared to thunderous applause from people contractually obligated to clap. “And with iEar, you’ll only hear approved sounds—curated news, licensed music, and Siri whispering affirmations directly into your soul.” The devices will feature “Selective Perception Mode,” a setting that replaces unpleasant visuals—like homeless people, protest signs, or Android…

Davos, Switzerland – In a stunning show of vulnerability, dozens of Fortune 500 CEOs gathered this week at the World Economic Forum in Davos to launch what they’re calling “Executive Burnout Awareness Month”—a movement aimed at drawing attention to what they call the “invisible emotional toll” of corporate leadership. “We’re exhausted,” said Craig T. Bankwell, CEO of money transfer conglomerate GlobuCorp. “You think it’s easy choosing between Aspen or Verbier for your mid-quarter sabbatical? The stress is relentless.” Surrounded by Swiss Alps, foie gras, and a private string quartet playing Coldplay covers, the executives took turns sharing their burdens. Chief…

San Francisco, CA – In a move that has rattled the financial sector and delighted fans of sepia-toned Instagram filters, Wells Fargo has officially cut ties with armored transport giant Brinks in favor of a bold new security strategy: 19th-century-style horse-drawn armored stagecoaches. “We’re not just moving money, we’re moving history,” said Wells Fargo CEO Charlie Scharf, adjusting his leather duster while posing beside a freshly waxed stagecoach named The Dividend Express. “We realized that nothing says ‘security’ quite like a wooden carriage guarded by a man named Buck with a shotgun and a complicated relationship with modern hygiene.” The…