Author: J.R. Rantsworth

ANN ARBOR, MI — A Michigan man who “watched one and a half YouTube videos” is now the subject of neighborhood ridicule and a $35,000 insurance claim after he mistakes confidence for competence during a misguided attempt to fix his family’s leaky dishwasher. “I had this under control until water started pouring out of the light fixtures,” said proud amateur plumber and full-time accountant, Greg Hanlon, 43, while standing in what used to be his kitchen. “YouTube said it was a ‘simple fix,’ so obviously, I went for it.” YouTube Confidence, Real-World Consequences Hanlon reportedly ignored three separate suggestions to…

El Paso, TX – A bald eagle soared into an immigration rally outside El Paso, Texas, scooped up a protesting woman’s chihuahua, and deposited it just across the border fence into Mexico. The incident, now referred to as “Operation Feathered Justice,” has triggered national debate, lawsuits, and at least one GoFundMe for dog repatriation. “Natural Selection, But With Paperwork” Eyewitnesses described the event as “shockingly efficient.” “I thought it was a drone,” said rally attendee Greg Molina. “But then it screeched, dropped a dog in Juárez, and saluted the flag.” The dog’s owner, a woman identified as Amber Sky-Rain, sobbed…

Letter to the Editor — “Pick on Someone Your Own IQ!” By Harold Blimkins, Offended EverymanDear Lampoon Times, I have been a loyal reader ever since I mistook your site for legitimate news, but lately I find myself deeply troubled by your so-called “reporting.” Your recent stories—“Biden Found Eating Seasoning at Trader Joe’s” and “Qatar Donates Jet to President Trump”—are not only wildly inappropriate but unfair to two great American patriots. Joe Biden is a man of dignity, and if he chooses to eat “Everything But the Bagel” seasoning with a wooden spoon, that’s between him and his gastrointestinal tract.…

Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented show of bipartisan dysfunction, Congress bans latex nationwide in a historic agreement. Democrats and Republicans failed to compromise on which specific latex-based product they wanted to eliminate more so all latex is banned. Republicans Targeted Condoms, Democrats Wanted to Eliminate Birthday Balloons The conflict began when House Democrats proposed banning single-use latex balloons and gloves, citing environmental concerns and “the fact that turtles shouldn’t be dying because of clown parties and hand hygiene”. The move was backed by the powerful Big Turtle Lobby and at least three Instagram influencers who specialize in ocean plastic…

Trenton, NJ — In a groundbreaking failure of basic spatial reasoning, 32-year-old Greg Thompson has become a local legend—not for heroism or innovation, but for his astonishing inability to park within the lines of a standard parking space. Witnesses say Greg’s car never occupies a parking spot so much as it threatens multiple at once. “It’s like watching a Roomba try to dock itself—with a hangover,” said local shopper Linda Pearce. “He reversed five times and still ended up diagonally across two spaces and a flower bed.” Medical experts have now diagnosed Greg with a newly identified condition unofficially called…

Beaufort, SC – In an unprecedented turn of events, two local men found themselves engaged in a fierce brawl in the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly, each of them driven to the brink by a shared grievance: the ruthless abandonment of shopping carts. It all began when Bob “The Cart Reclaimer” Smith noticed Gary “The Cart Dodger” Johnson leaving his cart aimlessly in the middle of the parking lot. In a move that can only be described as “epic,” Bob confronted Gary, demanding he return his cart to its rightful station. Gary, who had apparently never heard of the…

Akron, OH – In a development that has shocked the world and raised urgent questions about personal belongings, Chad Miller, a 29-year-old marketing assistant from Akron, has unveiled his wallet—a bulging monstrosity that has drawn comparisons to George Costanza’s infamous wallet from Seinfeld. Chad’s wallet, which measures roughly the size of a small toaster, has become the talk of the town, with neighbors expressing concern for both Chad’s back and the structural integrity of his jeans. “It’s like he’s carrying a brick in his pocket,” said Cindy, a coworker who witnessed the wallet’s awkward outline through Chad’s shirt. “I’m honestly…

Dallas, TX – A new Pew Pew Research poll reveals a growing trend among American families: ditching reusable dishes altogether in favor of disposable plates, cups, and cutlery—not for convenience in hosting parties or picnics, but simply to avoid the psychological labor of emptying the dishwasher. “I just can’t do it anymore,” confessed Lisa Darnell of Phoenix, surrounded by towering stacks of red Solo cups and paper plates featuring Minions. “It’s not the loading—it’s the unloading. It’s like a reverse Jenga of sadness.” The poll shows 63% of respondents admitted to eating every meal with plastic forks and paper bowls,…

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one outside of Twitter saw coming, dozens of government-funded “woke” programs have been unceremoniously axed after budget cuts revealed that the public support they claimed to have… didn’t really exist. “We had to make tough choices,” said Treasury spokesperson Linda Numbers. “Roads, hospitals, or $1.7 billion to teach plants about consent. We chose roads.” Defunded programs include the Ministry of Microaggressions, the National Institute for Non-Binary Squirrel Classification, and the Department of Colonial Guilt Distribution, which reportedly cost taxpayers $430 million to hand out laminated apology cards at coffee shops. “We…

Anaheim, CA – Following the announcement of a glitzy new Disney theme park in Abu Dhabi, the company has confirmed plans for a U.S.-based alternative designed for families who can no longer afford to sell their kidneys for a three-day pass. The new park, dubbed “Disneyland: Value Edition,” will be constructed on the abandoned grounds of a former Six Flags, using “recycled magic” from decommissioned roller coasters and surplus costume bins. “Our guests told us they wanted affordability,” said Disney spokesperson Blake Smarmstrong. “So we’re giving them that… with a little tetanus.” “Finally, a Disney park where your wallet won’t…