Author: J.R. Rantsworth

Atlanta, GA – In an exciting new chapter of modern air travel misery, major U.S. airlines have announced their latest revenue-boosting strategy: charging passengers fees for entering and exiting the aircraft, and using the bathroom—because nothing says “hospitality” like a $14 charge for peeing at 30,000 feet. “We realized we were giving away too much for free,” said Delta-Southwest-United-American Frontier-Spirit-JetBlue spokesperson Chad Blakely. “Why should basic human functions come with complimentary access when we can monetize your most desperate moments?” Under the new policy, passengers will pay a $5 “step-on fee” to board the aircraft, followed by a $7 “freedom…

Washington, D.C. – America’s air traffic control system—proudly designed when rotary phones were cutting-edge and smoking in cockpits was encouraged—has once again suffered a nationwide outage, sending planes into holding patterns and technicians into a frenzy of cable jiggling and primal grunting. The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) confirmed that the 1960s-era system, lovingly nicknamed “Aunt Beep,” crashed after a technician sneezed near a terminal in Cleveland. “It’s delicate,” said FAA spokesperson Tina Flaps. “We’re working with original parts, including punch cards, vacuum tubes, and something we found labeled ‘Sputnik-Compatible.’” Technicians across the country have reportedly turned to their tried-and-true method: smacking tape…