Author: Lance Leftwing

Washington, D.C. – In a move that has sparked bipartisan jaw-drops—though only one side seems capable of actual outrage—Qatar has donated a fully customized private jet to President Donald Trump, allegedly to serve as his “temporary Air Force One” during rallies, Mar-a-Lago flyovers, and impromptu McDonald’s runs. The plane, dubbed “The MAGAliner”, is equipped with gold-plated seat belts, a Diet Coke fountain, and a miniature golf course shaped like Trump’s electoral map from 2024. The Qatari royal family insists the gift is “a token of deep friendship,” while critics note it’s more likely a strategic investment in one of the…

Brooklyn, NY – In what hospital administrators are calling “an attack on the very foundation of American healthcare economics,” a local man has brazenly refused to pay an $11,765 bill after receiving two over-the-counter aspirins and instructions to “keep his ankle elevated” following a minor frisbee golf mishap. Greg Tisdale, 34, suffered a mild ankle sprain last Sunday while executing what friends described as “a heroic but unnecessary dive” during a competitive frisbee golf tournament in Prospect Park. After hobbling to a nearby urgent care center, he was quickly triaged, offered two aspirins from a plastic cup, and told by…

Madison, WI – In what experts are calling “the shiniest protest in American history,” thousands of bald men gathered outside SuperCuts locations nationwide this week demanding half-price haircuts on the grounds that, quote, “we’re only working with half the surface area.” Clad in reflective sunscreen and wielding signs like “No Hair, No Fare!” and “Bald Lives Matter (Especially at the Barber),” the group, known as BALD (Brothers Against Lengthy Discounts), is seeking justice for what they call “years of full-priced follicular discrimination.” “Why should I pay $25 when the barber only touches the sides?” asked Doug McMurray, a 47-year-old accountant…

Newark, NJ – Pharmaceutical giant GigaHealth has launched its latest weight-loss drug, “Thinnexxtra,” which promises to melt fat, boost confidence, and possibly cure loneliness—just don’t ask what’s in it. Eager consumers flooded doctors’ offices requesting prescriptions before even learning if it’s a pill, patch, or suppository. “I don’t care where it goes,” said Stan Jorgenson, 43, from his seat at a drive-thru. “If it lets me keep eating bacon-wrapped burritos while shedding weight, I’ll inject it into my forehead.” Thinnexxtra becomes the 17th FDA-approved obesity medication released this decade, all of which boasted “breakthrough results” before fizzling out somewhere between…

Las Vegas, NV – In a shocking twist that’s left bridesmaids sobbing into feather boas and blackjack dealers brushing up on youth ministry, the city of Las Vegas has announced a sweeping ban on bachelorette parties, gambling, and neon signage in a bold attempt to “refocus on what really matters: God and go-karts.” “This is a moral recalibration,” said Mayor Chip Virtue, flanked by a youth choir and a retired Elvis impersonator turned lay preacher. “Las Vegas has spent decades leading souls astray. It’s time we led them to the bounce house instead.” All casinos will be converted into family-friendly…