Author: Lance Leftwing

Richmond, VA – Fresh off the release of their original Patriot Purity Checklist, Republican strategists have published a follow-up guide to root out even subtler signs of disloyalty to Trump and the MAGA loyalty movement. Because freedom isn’t free—and neither is a Trump gold NFT minted in China. Here are the latest 10 disqualifying offenses that prove your loved one may have gone soft on American greatness: 1. They Ask Where Trump’s Legal Fund Money Actually Goes If your friend reads the fine print and notices “Save America PAC” mostly pays lawyers and catering bills at Mar-a-Lago, they’re not MAGA.…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene shocked no one this week by admitting voting blindly for a massive tax and spending bill she never read. The bill, dubbed “Trump’s Big, Beautiful Bill,” reportedly included provisions so long and complex, Greene concluded it was “longer than the Bible and definitely less entertaining.” The bill’s 900+ pages included a controversial clause preventing states from regulating artificial intelligence for 10 years—a detail Greene claimed she missed due to “insufficient emoji use.” No Time to Read, Too Busy Owning the Libs “I’m a very busy woman,” Greene explained. “Do you know how long…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking move the United States Congress declares permanent recess, citing decades of legislative stagnation, plummeting public trust, and “general disinterest in effort.” The final vote tally? 518–6, with the six dissenters later admitting they thought “permanent recess” meant installing a playground on the Capitol lawn. “This is about honesty,” said House Majority Leader Steve Scalise (D-LA), lounging in an Adirondack chair while sipping sparkling water from a congressional commemorative tumbler. “We’ve been pretending to work for years. Now we’re simply aligning our schedule with our output.” A Unified Vision of Utter Inactivity Senate Minority Leader…

Washington, DC – When the Supreme Court provided a Trump immigration ruling – that President Trump can legally deport over 500,000 immigrants with pending or probationary status, conservatives rejoiced at the chance to finally enforce laws they mostly forgot existed until now. Liberals, meanwhile, flooded the streets in protest—holding up signs like “No Human Is Illegal” and “Let Luis Stay” Law and Order Is Back, But Only Sometimes “It’s not about race,” insisted Rep. Mark Andrews (R-ND), while whispering, “but mostly it is.”Andrews praised the ruling for “restoring dignity to the immigration system” while standing in front of a Chick-fil-A…

Palm Beach, FL – Donald Trump defends Putin and reignited controversy this week after once again leaping to Vladimir Putin’s defense, insisting Ukraine “shouldn’t have made itself so available” to invasion and suggesting a peaceful solution would involve Ukraine “gifting some real estate” to Russia. Putin’s Newest Fanboy “Putin is very misunderstood. Tremendous guy. Honestly, if I had something to hide, wouldn’t I be hiding better?”President Trump, speaking to reporters aboard Air Force One When pressed about a rumored 2008 video allegedly held by the Kremlin, Trump smiled and added, “I looked terrific that year. Very athletic.” The phrase “Trump…

Washington, DC – A new Department of Energy Study claims converting the U.S. power grid entirely to solar energy could reduce global warming—by literally “pulling heat out of the atmosphere.” The plan, which sounds like it was written during a heatstroke, has baffled scientists, thrilled environmentalists, and sent oil lobbyists into full tantrum mode. According to the report, replacing fossil fuel energy sources with solar panels will not only generate power, but also create a national sunshade. Politicians jumped on the opportunity to both deny and support climate change at the same time. Politicians Embrace Scientific Illiteracy “Look, I’m not…

Seattle, WA – In a legal shot stronger than a double espresso, Starbucks has filed a federal lawsuit against rival Dunkin’ Donuts, alleging the company’s slogan “America Runs on Dunkin” is “factually impossible” and “borderline treasonous.” The suit, filed in Seattle and soaked in caramel drizzle, claims America more accurately runs on “a complicated blend of nostalgia, fossil fuels and political disagreement,” not Boston cream-filled lies. “Dunkin isn’t fueling the country—ExxonMobil and anxiety are.”Starbucks spokesperson, Brie Foamington Legal Grounds & Legal Grounds™ Starbucks’ lawyers cited studies, charts, and a customer poll conducted entirely in upscale Whole Foods locations. The survey…

Sacramento, CA – The decades-long grease-slicked war over regional burger supremacy—In-N-Out vs. Whataburger—has escalated beyond drunk parking lot arguments and YouTube taste test videos. In a a surprising move, California Governor Gavin Newsom and Texas Governor Greg Abbott have agreed to settle the beef in a celebrity wheelchair boxing match. The showdown, dubbed “Rumble in the Bun-dle,” will be held at Kyle Field in College Station, Texas and will be broadcast live on Pay-Per-View and C-SPAN 4. “If we can’t settle this with fists and fries, what are we even doing?”Gavin Newsom, warming up in yoga pants. Governors Go Toe-to-Toe…

Flagstaff, AZ – A tourist falls into the Grand Canyon for the eleventh time this year, reigniting a national debate no one asked for. The latest victim, a Japanese man attempting a “sky-edge selfie,” slipped while backing up for a shot he planned to caption “#livingontheedge.” Instead, he became the latest person to demonstrate gravity’s undefeated streak. Selfies, Safety, and the Social Media Cliff Park officials say this has become a trend among overconfident influencers. The Grand Canyon’s beauty remains unmatched—but so does its ability to separate fools from solid footing. “This is becoming a real problem,” said Grand Canyon…

Washington, D.C. – In a move that has sparked bipartisan jaw-drops—though only one side seems capable of actual outrage—Qatar has donated a fully customized private jet to President Donald Trump, allegedly to serve as his “temporary Air Force One” during rallies, Mar-a-Lago flyovers, and impromptu McDonald’s runs. The plane, dubbed “The MAGAliner”, is equipped with gold-plated seat belts, a Diet Coke fountain, and a miniature golf course shaped like Trump’s electoral map from 2024. The Qatari royal family insists the gift is “a token of deep friendship,” while critics note it’s more likely a strategic investment in one of the…