Author: Seymour Outrage

Ottawa, ON – In a controversial bid to heal political divisions and foster inclusivity, the Canadian government announced it would mandate ambidexterity in schools nationwide. Claiming that forcing children to become equally adept with both their left and right hands would encourage a “centrist population,” the policy has ignited fiery debate across the nation. Prime Minister Mark Carney, proudly brandishing chalk in both hands at a recent press conference, declared, “We’re ending the polarization of left versus right by literally erasing hand dominance. Soon, all Canadians will find middle ground, starting with their hands.” “Today pencils, tomorrow politics. Unity starts…

Former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has reportedly embraced a “return to his roots” lifestyle, trading politics for performance—and powder. Sources confirm that Trudeau, now living comfortably off a government pension and a steady trickle of speaking fees, has been spotted teaching drama classes to underprivileged inner-city youth while donning blackface “for historical accuracy.” “Look, it’s not racist if it’s educational,” Trudeau was overheard saying at a local community center, dramatically quoting Othello while gesturing toward a soapbox labeled “Reserved for Former Prime Ministers.” YMCA staffers have confirmed he frequently uses the box for impromptu monologues on the importance of “diversity, inclusion, and tasteful improvisation.” In Whistler,…