Author: Seymour Outrage

Sundays With Seymour Welcome back to Sundays with Seymour, where common sense still has visitation rights and irony hasn’t fled the country—yet. This week, we’re diving into the newest American tradition: getting offended in public and suing. It used to be that you’d just grumble and change the channel. Now? You launch legal proceedings because your neighbor’s bumper sticker hurt your truth chakra. We’ve gone from “sticks and stones” to “your opinion gave me shingles.” From rugged individualism to delicate litigation. This isn’t justice—it’s a televised feelings tribunal sponsored by your least favorite coffee chain. So buckle up, buttercups. Seymour’s…

Lausanne, Switzerland – In a stunning turn of events, the International Olympic Committee has announced new IOC rules on transgender athletes. The IOC has ruled athletes must now compete based on biological sex—not how they feel. This change comes after years of polite chaos, where women’s sports quietly became “open mic night” for ideological experiments. “If we kept ignoring biology, we’d need to rename the women’s division ‘Formerly Fair Competition,’” said IOC spokesperson Max Deltoid. “Calling biology offensive is like yelling at gravity for body-shaming you.”Max Deltoid, IOC Spokesperson The ruling reaffirms what strength coaches, middle school gym teachers, and…

Moscow, Russia – In a move that left both love experts and geopolitical analysts stunned, Russian President Vladimir Putin has reportedly declared himself “Russia’s Most Eligible Bachelor” and will star in an upcoming state-sponsored reality show titled The Bachelor: Kremlin Edition. According to state media, the show will be “a celebration of strong leadership, romantic resilience, and shirtless horseback riding.” The announcement follows rumors of a quiet breakup between Putin and former Olympic gymnast Alina Kabaeva. Rather than issuing a statement, Putin allegedly told aides, “Let the motherland see I’m still a hot commodity. Shirt off. Camera on.” “He’s mysterious, emotionally…

Sundays With Seymore Welcome to the debut of Sunday’s With Seymour, the first in a weekly series of opinion columns from Seymour Outrage. Expect sharp takes & stubborn rants – all served fresh each Sunday from the cluttered mind of a man who still yells at his microwave. In this week’s opinion piece Seymour discusses what happens if “AI Replaces My Job”. I’m 55 years old. Gainfully employed. Somewhat emotionally stable. I own two pairs of khakis and one opinion about modern jazz. Yet despite all this, my mother still believes my greatest accomplishment would be finding a “nice woman…

Ottawa, ON – In a move that shocked absolutely no one familiar with recent Liberal ideas, Prime Minister Mark Carney announced plans to convert all Canadian school gymnasiums into safe drug consumption sites. Carney explained that since Canadian children show no interest in physical activity beyond scrolling TikTok, gymnasiums represent prime real estate to safely consume government-supplied narcotics. Carney’s Vision: Gymnasiums Become Narcotic Havens “Kids don’t run laps anymore,” Carney declared. “They run apps. Gymnasiums stand empty, echoing with the memories of dodgeballs past. Instead of wasting this space, we’ll ensure safe heroin use nationwide.” To guarantee quality and safety,…

Miami, FL – Outrage is sizzling hotter than a fryer basket after fast food workers across the country began demanding tips from customers, sparking a national debate over whether to tip for fast food. “Don’t tip for fast food” became both a rallying cry and a trending keyword as fed-up customers refused to pay extra for their own ketchup packets. “I handed someone a wrapped cheeseburger and they tipped me 11 cents,” said Kyleen Jenkins, a drive-thru attendant in Ohio. “I felt seen. But also insulted.” Tipping Point Hits the Drive-Thru For years, fast food customers have operated under a…

Ottawa, ON – In a controversial bid to heal political divisions and foster inclusivity, the Canadian government announced it would mandate ambidexterity in schools nationwide. Claiming that forcing children to become equally adept with both their left and right hands would encourage a “centrist population,” the policy has ignited fiery debate across the nation. Prime Minister Mark Carney, proudly brandishing chalk in both hands at a recent press conference, declared, “We’re ending the polarization of left versus right by literally erasing hand dominance. Soon, all Canadians will find middle ground, starting with their hands.” “Today pencils, tomorrow politics. Unity starts…

Former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has reportedly embraced a “return to his roots” lifestyle, trading politics for performance—and powder. Sources confirm that Trudeau, now living comfortably off a government pension and a steady trickle of speaking fees, has been spotted teaching drama classes to underprivileged inner-city youth while donning blackface “for historical accuracy.” “Look, it’s not racist if it’s educational,” Trudeau was overheard saying at a local community center, dramatically quoting Othello while gesturing toward a soapbox labeled “Reserved for Former Prime Ministers.” YMCA staffers have confirmed he frequently uses the box for impromptu monologues on the importance of “diversity, inclusion, and tasteful improvisation.” In Whistler,…