Author: Stu Pendous

Ontario, Canada – While the hockey world celebrated and cheered last month as “Ovechkin Tops Gretzky” chants rained down from the rafters, one man silently plotted revenge from his VIP seat: Wayne “The Great One” Gretzky—now just “The Slightly Lesser One.” Despite clapping politely in the arena, Gretzky’s smile reportedly cracked under the pressure of watching a Russian pulverize his 30-year-old record. “It’s not that I’m bitter,” he said through gritted teeth, “but it’s exactly that.” Return of the Great One: This Time It’s Personal Sources say Gretzky, 64, is training for a comeback by skating laps around his wine…

Lima, Peru – After two months of lingering in the dreaded “free agent” purgatory, Aaron Rodgers’ new team remains frustratingly undefined. Rodgers, once football royalty, has become the league’s awkward cousin no one wants to invite over for Thanksgiving dinner. Now, freshly emerged from a self-awareness retreat deep in the Peruvian jungle, Rodgers insists he’s “reborn and fully refreshed.” Unfortunately, NFL teams are politely pretending not to notice. Jungle Enlightenment or Career Twilight? Rodgers described his jungle escapade as transformative. “I communed with tree frogs and achieved cosmic clarity,” Rodgers explained, “now I’m ready to lead any team to glory—assuming…

Cooperstown, NY – President Donald Trump is claiming full credit for Pete Rose’s reinstatement to Major League Baseball, calling it “one of the greatest comebacks of all time — possibly even better than Jesus.” Speaking from a minor league stadium that briefly renamed itself “Trump Field” for the day, the President told reporters, “People don’t know this, but Pete Rose called me constantly. Constantly. He said, ‘Mr. Trump, how do I get more hits?’ I told him, ‘Hit the ball, Pete.’ Nobody knew that before me.” According to Trump, he was “a key part” of Rose’s legendary career and should…

BOSTON, MA — Red Sox third baseman Rafael Devers shocked fans and teammates this week by bursting into tears during a press conference after being told he may be moved to first base. The decision, according to team officials, was made to “extend his career” and “minimize errors.” Devers, who has played third for nearly a decade before moving to DH this season to accommodate Alex Bregman, described the switch as “traumatizing” and compared it to “being asked to give up my identity.” Fans were less than sympathetic. “I’d scrub porta-potties with my tongue for $30 million,” said one local…

Wrexham, UK – In an unexpected and utterly baffling move, actor and entrepreneur Ryan Reynolds has announced he is selling his beloved Wrexham AFC to focus on what he describes as the “next big thing” in sports: professional badminton. Reynolds, who co-owns the Welsh football club with fellow actor Rob McElhenney, made the announcement via a flashy Instagram post that featured him wearing a Wrexham jersey while dramatically swinging a badminton racket over his shoulder. “Wrexham’s been amazing, but let’s face it—football is a dying sport,” Reynolds wrote, as 500,000 fans immediately left confused and angry comments. “Badminton has a…

New York, NY – In an unexpected career move that has left both baseball fans and legal experts scratching their heads, MLB superstar Aaron Judge has announced that he will be moonlighting as a real judge during the offseason, hosting a new animated courtroom show titled Judge Aaron—an animated TV series where he’ll settle heated neighborly disputes centered around political ideology. The show, which is set to air on a network yet to be disclosed, promises to bring the intensity of Judge Judy with the raw athleticism of a major league slugger. “I’ve always been passionate about fairness,” Judge said…

New York, NY – In a controversial yet oddly pragmatic decision, the NBA has announced it will officially eliminate the “traveling” penalty from its rulebook. The league cited one primary reason for the change: LeBron James. “We’ve looked at the stats, and it’s clear—LeBron just can’t score without traveling,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver during a press conference held in an undisclosed location, presumably to avoid the glare of public scrutiny. “We’ve made the decision to stop penalizing players for traveling because, frankly, if we did, the game would become a lot less fun to watch.” The rule change comes…