Author: Tina Tellzall

From Rainbow Blitz to Corporate Whispers Orlando, FL – As Pride Month begins, major corporations like Target, Disney, and Anheuser-Busch have conspicuously toned down their once flamboyant rainbow branding, worried that inclusivity might be going the way of skinny jeans: out of style and potentially embarrassing. This year, many businesses have carefully avoided last year’s glittery rainbow explosions, opting instead for subtle nods—or outright silence—toward Pride. Target, once a leader in rainbow retail, has replaced its usual vibrant displays with modest, discreet reminders. “Our commitment to inclusivity hasn’t changed,” reassured Target spokesperson Jen Rogers nervously, looking over her shoulder. “But…

Philadelphia, PA – In a landmark psychological study that has already destroyed three relationships and one situationship, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania have confirmed that the phrase “It’s not you, it’s me” has been a lie this entire time. “It’s you,” said lead researcher Dr. Felicia Vonn. “It was always you. Statistically, categorically, and spiritually — you were the problem.” Study Details: The peer-reviewed study tracked 2,000 breakups over a five-year span and found that in 98.7% of cases where the phrase was uttered, the dumper was actively avoiding pointing out glaring flaws in the dumpee. Common translated meanings included: “I…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that stunned the justice system and defied logic, President Donald Trump pardons to Todd and Julie Chrisley, the reality TV couple best known for tax evasion, fraud, and one particularly chaotic Thanksgiving episode of Chrisley Knows Best. The pardon, announced via Trump’s Truth Social account, comes days after Savannah Chrisley appeared on Fox News pleading for her parents’ release and “a second season, maybe with fewer federal indictments.” Pardon Me, America “These are good people,” Trump told reporters outside his Mar-a-Lago putting green. “They’re stars. Beautiful stars. They were persecuted by Biden’s crooked IRS…

Bern, Switzerland – In a rare moment of self-awareness between world tours and world-saving, Bono admits hypocrisy over his decades-long crusade to get everyone else to fix the planet. Speaking from a leather armchair inside his third-favorite home (a modest 12-bedroom in the Swiss Alps), the U2 front man acknowledged that maybe yelling at everyone else while flying private jets isn’t the cleanest look. “I’ve asked a lot of governments and broke people to pitch in,” Bono said. “But I didn’t really include myself in that. Because, you know, I’m very busy being inspirational.” Champagne Advocacy on a Beer Budget…

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a shocking development that’s rocked the late ’90s nostalgia-industrial complex, actor and rapper Will Smith has officially refused to perform his iconic hit “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” after his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, declared the song “always sounded kind of stupid.” According to sources close to the couple, the argument began innocently enough over dinner when Will playfully hummed the tune, only for Jada to put down her fork and ask, “Do people still say ‘jiggy’? Or was that just something your ego cooked up with a rhyming dictionary in ’97?” Witnesses say Will paused,…

Stamford, CT – In a move both entrepreneurial and morally ambiguous, former daytime TV icon Maury Povich has officially trademarked his legendary catchphrase “You are NOT the father!” to launch a line of graphic t-shirts, hoodies, and greeting cards designed specifically for mothers looking to come clean to unsuspecting spouses in style. “It’s 2025,” said Povich at a press conference held outside a mall kiosk between a Cinnabon and a DNA testing van. “We live in a time of empowerment. And what better way to tell your husband the kid isn’t his than with a tasteful, pre-shrunk cotton tee?” The…

Calabasas, CA – Reality TV star, shapewear mogul, and part-time courtroom cosplayer Kim Kardashian has officially entered her ninth year of legal studies, a record-breaking tenure that has left actual law students and several constitutional scholars quietly weeping into their casebooks. Kardashian, whose legal journey began in 2019 and has since included more photo shoots than depositions, insists she remains “deeply committed to justice and aesthetic lighting.” Though she has yet to pass the bar exam, she continues to publicly adopt high-profile cases with the same frequency she changes hair color. “Every time I scroll Instagram and see someone in…