Author: Warren Peace

Vatican City – In a move that left the U.S. Senate blinking like they’d just seen a burning bush, it was revealed this week that Pope Leo’s citizenship will remain dual. This will allow him to hold U.S. citizenship despite now serving as the spiritual and political leader of an entirely different country. The revelation has sparked a nationwide debate over Pope Leo’s Citizenship, a flurry of bipartisan confusion, and an all-caps meltdown from Donald Trump, who remains upset he was “robbed” of the papacy. Holy Duality, Batman “What we have here is a man who can legally vote in…

Bozeman, MT – PETA demands galloped back into the headlines after a parade in Bozeman, Montana, sparked uproar. The animal-rights organization cried foul over police horses’ “profoundly sad expressions,” though eyewitnesses later clarified that the animals were simply using their natural resting horse faces. Horses or Handlebar Mustaches? In a press release filled with righteous indignation, PETA spokesperson Clover Fields declared, “Horses don’t consent to being ridden around town looking perpetually depressed. It’s animal exploitation masquerading as community policing.” Fields then introduced the radical new PETA demands: retire all police horses immediately and replace them with bicycles. “Bicycles don’t have…

Ottawa, ON – In a bold step forward for both surveillance capitalism and political shamelessness, it was announced this week that the Federal Government will sell personal data, including marital, tax, and health information to marketing firms. The goal? To ensure that every unwanted call or spam email is deeply relevant to your financial fears, insecurities, and recent divorce. “It’s all about improving the user annoyance experience,” said Attorney General Sean Fraser. “Why should you get a robocall about duct-cleaning when your blood pressure, browser history, and retirement savings suggest you’d rather hear about reverse mortgages and love.” “We’re turning…

Rome, Italy – What began as an ill-advised culinary opinion has quickly escalated into an international incident after an American tourist, Todd Franklin of Des Moines, Iowa, told a Roman waiter, “All pasta tastes the same. It’s just different shapes, bro.” The statement, overheard in the historic Trastevere district, was met with audible gasps, the clattering of cutlery, and at least one elderly nonna fainting into her antipasto. The waiter, Lorenzo Mancini, a third-generation pasta artisan and part-time opera tenor, reportedly dropped his tray of tagliatelle and screamed, “Questo è un crimine contro l’Italia!” (This is a crime against Italy!).…

Tempers Steaming Over Coffee Conundrum In a crisis rivaling Brexit and the Great Biscuit Shortage of 1987, the British public has been plunged into turmoil by a wave of tourists brazenly rejecting tea in favor of coffee, with many describing the revered national beverage as “dirty bag water.” Cafés from Cornwall to Cumbria have become hotbeds of tension, as patrons and proprietors alike grapple with visitors demanding lattes, macchiatos, and something alarmingly referred to as “cold brew.” Betty Treadwell, owner of the iconic Betty’s Tea Room in York, expressed outrage: “I had a young American tell me that drinking tea…