Ottawa, ON – In a move that shocked absolutely no one familiar with recent Liberal ideas, Prime Minister Mark Carney announced plans to convert all Canadian school gymnasiums into safe drug consumption sites. Carney explained that since Canadian children show no interest in physical activity beyond scrolling TikTok, gymnasiums represent prime real estate to safely consume government-supplied narcotics.
Carney’s Vision: Gymnasiums Become Narcotic Havens
“Kids don’t run laps anymore,” Carney declared. “They run apps. Gymnasiums stand empty, echoing with the memories of dodgeballs past. Instead of wasting this space, we’ll ensure safe heroin use nationwide.”
To guarantee quality and safety, the federal government will manufacture its own narcotics. Carney promises “premium-grade, sustainably sourced cocaine,” made with the same meticulous oversight as other government programs.
Toronto Mayor Olivia Chow enthusiastically endorsed the plan, calling it “the future we’ve always needed.”
“Turning gyms into Safe Drug Consumption Sites is exactly the kind of bold action that makes Canada special—and also deeply confusing.”
Mayor Olivia Chow, gleefully unaware of public opinion
Conservatives Call Foul, Canada Yawns in Agreement
Predictably, Conservative Opposition Leader Pierre Poilievre denounced the plan as “peak Liberal lunacy.” He argued passionately that Canada should focus on treatment and punishment rather than “making every elementary school gym into Woodstock.”
“This country is going straight to hell, one government-funded heroin needle at a time.”
Pierre Poilievre, red-faced and shaking fists
Public polling suggests Poilievre struck a chord. Most Canadians prefer addressing addiction through treatment rather than Carney’s radical approach. One anonymous citizen, presumably speaking for many, asked, “Can’t we just arrest drug dealers and call it a day?”
Citizens Demand Common Sense, Receive Confusion Instead
Despite widespread criticism, Carney remains steadfast. “Safe Drug Consumption Sites are part of our national identity,” he asserted, incorrectly. “We’re innovators. Next year, maybe libraries become casinos.”
Teachers across Canada expressed horror, noting gyms were once home to character-building humiliation and sweaty teenage angst—activities central to high school experiences. Now, they’ll host middle-aged drug users, ensuring even more awkward school reunions.
As Canadians process this latest policy proposal, one thing remains clear: Safe Drug Consumption Sites might be here to stay, but common sense and public approval definitely left the gym long ago.
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
