Ottawa, ON – In a controversial bid to heal political divisions and foster inclusivity, the Canadian government announced it would mandate ambidexterity in schools nationwide. Claiming that forcing children to become equally adept with both their left and right hands would encourage a “centrist population,” the policy has ignited fiery debate across the nation.
Prime Minister Mark Carney, proudly brandishing chalk in both hands at a recent press conference, declared, “We’re ending the polarization of left versus right by literally erasing hand dominance. Soon, all Canadians will find middle ground, starting with their hands.”
“Today pencils, tomorrow politics. Unity starts in the palm!”
Lefties and Righties Alike Cry Foul
Public reaction has been swift and divided—ironically deepening existing divisions rather than bridging them. Left-handed Canadians, historically discriminated against by scissors, can openers, and awkwardly positioned door handles, feel betrayed.
“They promised equality,” complained lifelong lefty Sandra Beckett. “But now I’m spending three hours a day training my right hand to hold chopsticks. This isn’t unity—it’s oppression!”
Right-handers aren’t happy either. Ottawa resident Martin Flynn griped, “My son was perfectly happy scribbling with his right hand. Now he’s traumatized because his left-handed letters look like drunken spiders.”
Social media exploded with hashtags like #HandsOffMyHands and #NotMyDominantHand, with angry parents sharing tragic tales of their children fumbling simple tasks like buttering toast, buttoning shirts, and waving politely.
“My child can’t tie shoes or eat soup without catastrophe now. Thanks, Ottawa!”
Martin Flynn
Experts: Policy is Hands Down Absurd
Education and child development experts quickly joined the outcry, condemning the initiative as ill-conceived and intrusive. Dr. Miranda Patel, a child psychologist, warned that forced ambidexterity could lead to emotional distress, confusion, and the inability to confidently participate in high-fives.
“This policy misunderstands neuroscience, psychology, and basic human anatomy,” Patel declared. “You can’t legislate balanced thinking by forcing balanced hands. It’s as sensible as mandating every Canadian wear shoes on the opposite feet.”
Despite this, the government doubled down. An enthusiastic Minister of Inclusiveness, Tom Hargreaves, argued passionately, “We’re creating a physically and politically balanced generation. Imagine debates where both hands gesture equally! The future is ambidextrous.”
While protests and finger-painted placards flood Parliament Hill, analysts predict the issue will dominate upcoming elections. Opposition parties have already adopted the slogan, “Keep Government Hands Out of Our Hands.”
“They tried to fix politics; instead, they broke handwriting.”
In the meantime, Canada’s classrooms remain battlegrounds, with teachers and students awkwardly navigating a brave new world of two-handed confusion.
