WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking move the United States Congress declares permanent recess, citing decades of legislative stagnation, plummeting public trust, and “general disinterest in effort.”
The final vote tally? 518–6, with the six dissenters later admitting they thought “permanent recess” meant installing a playground on the Capitol lawn.
“This is about honesty,” said House Majority Leader Steve Scalise (D-LA), lounging in an Adirondack chair while sipping sparkling water from a congressional commemorative tumbler. “We’ve been pretending to work for years. Now we’re simply aligning our schedule with our output.”
A Unified Vision of Utter Inactivity
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) echoed the sentiment. “We realized the country runs exactly the same whether we pass laws or not. Except when we shut down the government — but that’s more of a tradition than a bug.”
In a nod to ceremonial efficiency, both chambers of Congress will still technically “open” daily. However, roll call will be replaced by a group wave, and C-SPAN will begin airing reruns of Friends, which a bipartisan committee agreed “has more coherent dialogue.”
Under the new recess policy:
- All debates are canceled, except for friendly arguments over who has the best vacation home.
- Lobbyist access will be streamlined, with private jets landing directly on the National Mall.
- Constituent emails will receive a default reply: “Out of Office — Indefinitely.”
“Honestly, recess is when we got most of our campaign donations done anyway.”
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)
America Reacts: Mild Surprise, Then Shrugs
Public response ranged from confusion to indifference. A Pew Research poll found 73% of Americans were unaware Congress had ever returned from its last recess. An additional 12% asked if this meant taxes were canceled.
Meanwhile, a bipartisan coalition of former presidents—ranging from Clinton to Biden—released a joint statement simply reading: “Figures.”
When asked who would now make decisions on laws and national budgets, congressional leaders gestured vaguely toward Wall Street and Silicon Valley. With Congress officially out to lunch forever, Americans are advised to contact their local elected officials for assistance with future legislation.
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
