Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented show of bipartisan dysfunction, Congress has announced a historic agreement: a full nationwide ban on latex, after Democrats and Republicans failed to compromise on which specific latex-based product they wanted to eliminate more.
The conflict began when House Democrats proposed banning single-use latex balloons and gloves, citing environmental concerns and “the fact that turtles shouldn’t be dying because of clown parties and hand hygiene.” The move was backed by the powerful Big Turtle Lobby and at least three Instagram influencers who specialize in ocean plastic guilt.
“We’re in a climate crisis,” said Rep. Clover Fern (D-CA), wearing a biodegradable hemp pantsuit. “Do you really need a balloon to prove you love someone on their birthday? What’s wrong with interpretive dance?”
Meanwhile, across the aisle, House Republicans introduced legislation to ban latex condoms, calling them “immoral,” “unconstitutional,” and “a personal affront to God and fertility-themed bumper stickers.”
“Real Americans don’t use barriers,” said Rep. Cletus “Freedomseed” McGraw (R-TX). “If the Founding Fathers wanted us to use condoms, they would’ve included them in the Second Amendment.”
The debate quickly spiraled into chaos, with Democrats accusing Republicans of waging war on safe sex, and Republicans accusing Democrats of trying to “cancel fun and hygiene.” The two sides hurled statistics, rolled-up budget drafts, and one rogue gavel across the House floor.
In a surprising twist, the chaos was halted by Sen. Patty “Middle Path” Butterworth (I-ME), who proposed a “compromise in the spirit of American legislative tradition”: ban all latex altogether.
“If nobody gets what they want, then it’s fair,” she said, while releasing a dove made of recycled napkins.
And just like that, the No Latex Left Behind Act passed both chambers with thunderous bipartisan applause and at least one celebratory balloon release—using newly approved non-latex “joy orbs” made from turnip cellulose.
As a result, starting next fiscal year, Americans will be forced to celebrate birthdays with interpretive poems, perform surgeries using artisanal beeswax mittens, and engage in “intimate relations” with nothing but prayer and plausible deniability.
Reactions across the country have been mixed.
“This is what unity looks like,” said one senator proudly, before being whisked away by staff after attempting to high-five a bee.
Meanwhile, the adult entertainment industry has declared a national emergency, and Halloween stores are reportedly hoarding rubber gloves under false labels like “inflatable hot dogs” and “tiny sausage socks.”
Latex lobbyists have vowed to fight back, warning that “without latex, America may lose its elasticity—morally and metaphorically.”
As of press time, Congress was already debating a follow-up bill to rename latex-free balloons as “Freedom Floats.”
