Washington, DC – A new Department of Energy Study claims converting the U.S. power grid entirely to solar energy could reduce global warming—by literally “pulling heat out of the atmosphere.” The plan, which sounds like it was written during a heatstroke, has baffled scientists, thrilled environmentalists, and sent oil lobbyists into full tantrum mode.
According to the report, replacing fossil fuel energy sources with solar panels will not only generate power, but also create a national sunshade. Politicians jumped on the opportunity to both deny and support climate change at the same time.
Politicians Embrace Scientific Illiteracy
“Look, I’m not saying global warming is real,” said Sen. Tommy Tuberville (R–AL), while squinting at the sun, “but if it were, these solar panels would definitely cool things off. It’s like a big reverse microwave.”
Not to be outdone, Senator Patty Murray (D–WA) added, “It’s the first bipartisan energy plan that works regardless of whether you believe in science.”
“It’s a climate solution that works even if climate change is fake.”
Sen. Tommy Tuberville, visibly pleased with himself
Greenpeace Cheers, Then Checks Math
Greenpeace hailed the move as a “massive win for the planet”. Spokesperson Diego Lumen admitted the organization was “cautiously optimistic and also deeply confused.”
“We support 100% solar, of course,” Lumen said. “But this ‘heat-sucking panel’ idea reads like someone skimmed a fifth-grade science book during a filibuster.”
Still, the group is celebrating the six-year conversion timeline—despite lingering questions about where all the panels will go, and how many mammals will be displaced in the process.
“We’ve waited decades for this moment. We just didn’t expect it to be this weird.”
Diego Lumen, Greenpeace spokesperson
Scientists Stunned, Oil Industry Outraged
Climate researchers worldwide reacted to the Department of Energy study with disbelief.
“You don’t just suck heat out of the air with panels,” said Dr. Maya Hefflin, a physicist at MIT. “That’s not solar power. That’s sorcery.”
Nevertheless, she welcomed the idea of a full solar transition. “If the result is fewer emissions, we’ll take the win—even if it’s wrapped in nonsense.”
Meanwhile, oil and gas executives declared war on the proposal, calling for increased drilling and more patriotic fossil fuels. One anonymous executive suggested replacing wind farms with “liberty-powered gas stations.”
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
