BOSTON, MA — Red Sox third baseman Rafael Devers shocked fans and teammates this week by bursting into tears during a press conference after being told he may be moved to first base. The decision, according to team officials, was made to “extend his career” and “minimize errors.” Devers, who has played third for nearly a decade before moving to DH this season to accommodate Alex Bregman, described the switch as “traumatizing” and compared it to “being asked to give up my identity.”
Fans were less than sympathetic.
“I’d scrub porta-potties with my tongue for $30 million,” said one local plumber.
Standing at the podium, Devers wiped away tears with his monogrammed wristbands, saying he felt “betrayed by the organization” and that the change “hurts more than an oblique strain.” He also questioned whether he’d still be “viewed as elite” if he weren’t manning the hot corner.
The $30 Million Sob Story
The star’s contract, worth $313 million over 11 years, includes private chefs, first-class travel, and a locker room espresso machine labeled “Devers Only.” Still, his emotional breakdown was met with groans across New England.
“Try lifting pallets of roofing shingles at 6 a.m. in February,” said construction worker Pete Mancini, rubbing his back and checking his phone to see if Devers had apologized yet. “He’s still playing baseball. On grass. Wearing gold chains. Cry me a Fenway Frank.”
“This is like Gordon Ramsay crying because someone asked him to plate dessert.”
Even diehard Sox fans who proudly wear ketchup-stained Nomar jerseys said the moment felt “out of touch” and “unbearably soft.” One man in Worcester reportedly threw his TV remote through a framed Big Papi poster in protest.
Dugout Drama, Real World Rage
While the Red Sox front office tried to spin the move as a “strategic career transition,” fans saw it as an overpaid athlete unwilling to adapt. In fact, the team’s official post about the switch was ratioed within minutes, with thousands of comments ranging from “boo hoo” to “I’ll switch jobs with him right now.”
If Devers wants to experience trauma, he should try sitting in Boston traffic for free
Meanwhile, former Red Sox players were more supportive. “First base is where gloves go to retire,” quipped Kevin Youkilis. “It’s peaceful. You stand around a lot. You get to chat with opponents. Honestly, it’s kind of a dream.”
Others pointed out that Devers, who ranks near the bottom of defensive metrics at third, should see this as an opportunity to extend his career — and maybe his range.
Final Inning of Sympathy?
At press time, Devers had yet to officially accept the move, but insiders say he’s “warming up to the idea” after discovering he can still wear the same glove — and someone told him there are fewer balls hit to first anyway.
Team PR released a statement reminding fans of Devers’ many contributions to the franchise, including “smiling during photo day” and “occasionally hitting the ball over the Green Monster.”
Meanwhile, everyday fans continue to shake their heads.
“If I showed up crying at my job,” said a Dunkin’ Donuts employee in Dorchester, “my boss would hand me a mop and tell me to clean it up — both literally and emotionally.”
