Anaheim, CA – Following the announcement of a glitzy new Disney theme park in Abu Dhabi, the company has confirmed plans for a U.S.-based alternative designed for families who can no longer afford to sell their kidneys for a three-day pass. The new park, dubbed “Disneyland: Value Edition,” will be constructed on the abandoned grounds of a former Six Flags, using “recycled magic” from decommissioned roller coasters and surplus costume bins.
“Our guests told us they wanted affordability,” said Disney spokesperson Blake Smarmstrong. “So we’re giving them that… with a little tetanus.”
“Finally, a Disney park where your wallet won’t cry harder than your kids.”
From Space Mountain to Space Slightly Elevated Bump
The rides at the new park will feature familiar names with budget twists. Pirates of the Caribbean has been reimagined as “Guys in Vests with Water Guns,” while Haunted Mansion will be held in a repurposed Spirit Halloween pop-up store.
Cast members? Mostly Craigslist actors and unpaid interns from local theatre schools.
Mickey Mouse will be played by someone in a faded mascot suit who legally must be called “Rodent Pal.”
“It’s like Disneyland, if you squint… and haven’t had your shots.”
Food, Lodging, and the American Dream
Dining options include $2.99 hot dogs and generic-brand churros made entirely from bread crust and cinnamon-flavored optimism. Park hotels will be themed as 1980’s roadside motels to provide a real, honest retro vibe. There will also be “tent villages” available through a partnership with REI and the National Park Service.
Bathrooms are shared. So is trauma.
“Our son loved meeting ‘Discount Goofy,’ until Goofy asked him for change.”
Despite criticism from luxury Disney fans calling it “the Dollar Tree of dreams,” the company insists the new park is about accessibility. “Not everyone can afford $7,000 vacations just to sweat in line for three hours,” said Smarmstrong. “Now you can do that for $70 and get free mosquito bites.”
