Ottawa, ON – In a bold step forward for both surveillance capitalism and political shamelessness, it was announced this week that the Federal Government will sell your data, including personal, tax, and health data to marketing firms. The goal? To ensure that every unwanted telemarketing call or spam email is deeply relevant to your financial fears, medical insecurities, and recent divorce.
“It’s all about improving the user annoyance experience,” said Attorney General Sean Fraser. “Why should you get a robocall about time-shares when your blood pressure, browser history, and retirement savings suggest you’d rather hear about reverse mortgages and low-sodium beef jerky?”
“We’re turning cold calls into lukewarm invasions of privacy,”
Attorney General, Sean Fraser
The program, titled Operation Know Thy Consumer, will run on a proprietary AI system built from leaked therapy transcripts and tax audits. Citizens won’t be notified—unless they subscribe to the $9.99/month “Do Not Notify Me” plan.
Funding the Future of Futility
Revenue from the data sales won’t go toward healthcare, education, or infrastructure. Instead, it will be directed toward politicians’ pet projects, including DEI initiatives for cats, excessive new CEBA loan forgiveness, and memorial fountains dedicated to themselves.
“This is about responsible spending on irresponsible things,” said Member of Parliament and former Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland, who recently secured $3.2 million to study the emotional well-being of decorative koi fish.
“Every time someone gets a spam call about duct cleaning, we get a bit more funding for a bronze statue of former Primer Minister Justin Trudeau,” she explained.
Officials insist this approach avoids the “burden” of investing in things people actually use. “Bridges collapse,” said Freeland. “But a bronze bust of Justin Trudeau? That’s forever.”
Citizens Experience Targeted Dread
Public response has been predictably dismal. “I used to get random spam. Now I’m getting emails titled ‘Feeling Lonely Since 2019?’ and calls offering cat food discounts right after my vet appointment,” said Mississauga, ON resident Tina Slapp. “It’s invasive, insulting, and eerily well-informed,” she added.
Privacy advocates are organizing rallies, but turnout is low due to widespread suspicion that protest RSVPs are being harvested for ads about protest-themed energy drinks.
Meanwhile, some citizens have resigned themselves to the fact the government will sell your data. “Honestly, it’s kind of nice that my spam understands me,” said Jeff Bingley, who’s received seven different personalized offers for adult braces and coping journals.
As the plan rolls out nationwide, government officials remain confident. “This is the future,” said Freeland. “Intrusion with intention. Harassment with heart. Surveillance that truly sees you.”
And in the end, isn’t that what democracy is all about?
Disclaimer: If you believed any part of this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life a little too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
