Sacramento, CA – The decades-long grease-slicked war over regional burger supremacy—In-N-Out vs. Whataburger—has escalated beyond drunk parking lot arguments and YouTube taste test videos. In a a surprising move, California Governor Gavin Newsom and Texas Governor Greg Abbott have agreed to settle the beef in a celebrity wheelchair boxing match.
The showdown, dubbed “Rumble in the Bun-dle,” will be held at Kyle Field in College Station, Texas and will be broadcast live on Pay-Per-View and C-SPAN 4.
“If we can’t settle this with fists and fries, what are we even doing?”
Gavin Newsom, warming up in yoga pants.
Governors Go Toe-to-Toe (Kind Of)
Newsom, draped in sustainable spandex and sipping oat milk, has accused Whataburger of “promoting deep-fried nationalism”. Abbott, meanwhile, declared In-N-Out “an overpriced coastal psy-op designed to weaken traditional American digestion.”
To referee the grudge match, President Trump has appointed Vince McMahon, declaring him “the most unbiased man who’s ever fixed a fight.” Kid Rock will perform the national anthem atop a flaming Whataburger-themed monster truck.
“It’s not just burgers. It’s Texas vs. tofu tyranny.”
Greg Abbott, surrounded by a choir of bald eagles.
Ted Cruz Demands Respect, Selectively
The fight sparked backlash after promotional posters showed Newsom throwing a comically oversized glove at Abbott’s head. Senator Ted Cruz quickly condemned the imagery, calling it “appallingly disrespectful.”
When asked why he himself tweeted a GIF of a crab pinching Nancy Pelosi’s face last week, Cruz replied, “That was satire. This is liberal bullying.”
Sources close to Cruz say he’s been quietly training for a nacho-eating contest against AOC, “just in case things escalate.”
Battle of the Buns or Battle for the Soul of America?
While the In-N-Out vs. Whataburger feud used to be settled with passive-aggressive Yelp reviews, this modern evolution seems inevitable. McMahon, speaking at a joint presser with Trump promised “the bloodiest political snackdown since the Butterball Turkey Debates of ‘98.”
In the parking lot outside the ticket pre-sale, fans tailgated with mixed loyalties. “I like In-N-Out’s minimalist menu, but Whataburger’s ketchup is patriotic,” one fan noted. Another chimed in, “I just want fireworks and maybe to see Ted Cruz get hit with a tray.”
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
