Lausanne, Switzerland – In a stunning turn of events, the International Olympic Committee has announced new IOC rules on transgender athletes. The IOC has ruled athletes must now compete based on biological sex—not how they feel. This change comes after years of polite chaos, where women’s sports quietly became “open mic night” for ideological experiments.
“If we kept ignoring biology, we’d need to rename the women’s division ‘Formerly Fair Competition,’” said IOC spokesperson Max Deltoid.
“Calling biology offensive is like yelling at gravity for body-shaming you.”
Max Deltoid, IOC Spokesperson
The ruling reaffirms what strength coaches, middle school gym teachers, and anyone who’s ever watched a 100-meter dash already know: testosterone doesn’t care how enlightened you are.
Proponents of Inclusion Confused by Gravity, Physics
Supporters of trans inclusion in women’s sports were devastated to learn that the laws of biology have not, in fact, been updated since their last gender studies seminar.
“This is a dark day for people who believe bench press is a mindset,” wept activist Skylar Moonbeam, whose protest involved throwing yoga blocks at a squat rack.
“Gender is a spectrum,” they added, “but apparently deadlifts aren’t.”
Others insisted that since sports are about “spirit” and “self-expression,” physical performance shouldn’t be the main factor. When reminded that races are timed and wrestling involves, well, wrestling, most advocates responded by logging off in protest.
Women’s Sports: Not Your Identity Playground
Critics of the new policy claim it’s exclusionary and cruel. But for female athletes, the decision is a long-overdue return to sanity.
“Imagine training for 15 years only to lose to someone who had a beard in college,” said Olympic swimmer Lisa Trample. “Call me old-fashioned, but I like my competition hormone-tested, not hashtag-validated.”
In fact, multiple former champions came forward to support the ruling, asking only that fairness not be treated as hate speech.
“This isn’t oppression,” Trample continued. “It’s physics. If biology didn’t matter, we’d all be running the 40-yard dash in under five seconds.”
Sport Isn’t Therapy—It’s Competition
In a world increasingly governed by feelilngs, hashtags, and hormone-blind optimism, the new IOC rules on transgender athletes in sports is a rare return to reality: feelings don’t break records—biology does. No matter how passionately one identifies, muscle mass, lung capacity, and bone density remain stubbornly immune to social theory. Women’s sports were created to ensure fairness, not to host philosophical debates in spandex. Compete how you want in life—but when it comes to the scoreboard, chromosomes still matter. Because in sports, we measure outcomes—not outlooks.
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
