Philadelphia, PA – In a landmark psychological study that has already destroyed three relationships and one situationship, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania have confirmed that the phrase “It’s not you, it’s me” has been a lie this entire time.
“It’s you,” said lead researcher Dr. Felicia Vonn. “It was always you. Statistically, categorically, and spiritually — you were the problem.”
Study Details:
The peer-reviewed study tracked 2,000 breakups over a five-year span and found that in 98.7% of cases where the phrase was uttered, the dumper was actively avoiding pointing out glaring flaws in the dumpee.
Common translated meanings included:
- “It is you. And your mother.”
- “It is me… realizing I can do better.”
- “It is you, but I need to spin this to keep my nice-guy/girl image.”
“I said it to spare his feelings. Also, to avoid explaining how his conspiracy podcast killed my libido.”
Emily G., study participant and verified leaver
Emotional Gaslighting, But Make It Polite
The phrase has long been viewed as a gentle exit strategy — the verbal equivalent of leaving a party without saying goodbye. But according to researchers, it’s a form of polite deflection masking deep-seated revulsion.
“Think of it like returning a sweater,” said Dr. Vonn. “You say it didn’t fit, but really you just hated the way it looked on you. That sweater is you. You are the sweater.”
New Recommendations for Breakup Clarity
The researchers have now issued new guidelines for honesty in romantic off-boarding. Suggested alternatives include:
- “It’s you. I’ve just accepted that.”
- “This was fun until I met literally anyone else.”
- “You’ve changed, and somehow gotten even less interesting.”
In response to the findings, self-help influencers have already begun rebranding. One upcoming book titled “You’re Not the Problem — Unless You Are, And You Are” is already topping the pre-order charts.
Meanwhile, thousands of people across the country are texting their exes with messages like, “So it WAS me??” followed by several sad emojis and one long voice note.
Love may be blind, but science is petty and precise.
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
