Newark, DE – Former President Joe Biden was found early Friday morning wandering the aisles of a Delaware Trader Joe’s while eating Everything But the Bagel seasoning directly from the jar with a wooden spoon. Shoppers say he appeared disoriented, determined, and strangely flavorful.
“I saw him near the frozen cauliflower gnocchi,” said cashier Bree Whitmore. “He was muttering something about how Joe Biden lost because Kamala sabotaged him. Then he yelled at a stack of almond butter jars like they were the DNC.”
“He kept asking if this was Costco. Then he whispered, ‘Joe Biden lost… but not really.’”
Trader Joe’s manager Trent Lewis
Bicycle Escape Baffles Secret Service
Security footage shows Biden arriving at the store on a woman’s mint green cruiser bicycle, later identified as belonging to Dr. Jill Biden. A small wicker basket on the front held nothing but a rolled-up AARP magazine and what appeared to be a Werther’s Original.
The Secret Service claims he slipped away during his “pudding time walk,” a daily routine meant to help him “feel presidential.” How an 81-year-old man on cholesterol medication eluded a team of armed professionals remains unclear.
“He still has the instincts,” said retired agent Carl Danvers. “He’s like a cryptic crossword puzzle on a treadmill.”
Biden Blames Kamala, Trader Joe’s Staff Politely Agree
Witnesses report Biden ranted for several minutes near the organic lentils about how “he would’ve beaten Trump again” if Vice President Kamala Harris hadn’t “forced him out in summer 2024.”
“If Kamala hadn’t staged a coup at the Democratic BBQ, I’d still be in charge.”
Joe Biden, holding a half-empty jar of seasoning like a microphone
Store employees eventually coaxed Biden outside with the promise of a free tote bag and a complimentary banana.
Trump Responds: “I Would Never Do That, Also I’m Fantastic”
President Donald Trump commented during a press conference, saying, “Look, folks, Joe Biden lost it, okay? Joe Biden was found eating seasoning from a jar. He lost it mentally. He’s seasoning himself now. Meanwhile, I’m doing great. Everyone says I’m doing great. The best comeback in American history. Probably ever. Maybe in the world.”
Back in Delaware, the Secret Service has added motion sensors to the Biden residence and zip-tied Dr. Jill’s bicycle to a cement block.
Disclaimer: If you believed any part of this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life a little too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
