Las Vegas, NV – In a shocking twist that’s left bridesmaids sobbing into feather boas and blackjack dealers brushing up on youth ministry, the city of Las Vegas has announced a sweeping ban on bachelorette parties, gambling, and neon signage in a bold attempt to “refocus on what really matters: God and go-karts.”
“This is a moral recalibration,” said Mayor Chip Virtue, flanked by a youth choir and a retired Elvis impersonator turned lay preacher. “Las Vegas has spent decades leading souls astray. It’s time we led them to the bounce house instead.”
All casinos will be converted into family-friendly attractions like arcades, indoor petting zoos, and themed communion buffets. The iconic neon Strip will be dimmed permanently and replaced with solar-powered lamps that glow softly in the shape of doves.
“What happens in Vegas now gets approved by a church council.”
Brides-to-Be Weep, Pastors Rejoice
Gone are the days of tiara-wearing bridal parties stumbling through hotel lobbies screaming Beyoncé lyrics. Effective immediately, all bachelorette parties must register with the city and adhere to a strict “modesty and mindfulness” dress code. Feather boas have been replaced with friendship bracelets, and pole-dancing classes are now “faithful fitness seminars.”
“I booked a party bus with a shirtless bartender named Skyler,” wailed one bachelorette, tears streaking her self-tanner. “Now we’re being redirected to a prayer circle and a tour of biblical-themed escape rooms.”
Meanwhile, religious leaders nationwide are flocking to the city in celebration. The Las Vegas Convention Center is now triple-booked with Christian men’s breakfasts, Mormon dental summits, and a megachurch puppet ministry showcase.
“From tequila shots to trust falls—what a journey.”
Gambling Replaced With Trust-Based Board Games
The final blow to Sin City’s sinful past comes with the total ban on gambling. Poker tables are now designated for “Uno and Conversation,” roulette wheels swapped for wholesome spin-the-Bible games, and slot machines repurposed to dispense encouraging affirmations and fruit snacks.
“We believe Las Vegas can be the Branson of the Southwest,” said city planner Susan Chastity, adjusting her “Pray Hard, Stay Humble” lapel pin. “Our goal is to make tourists say, ‘I came for the gospel brunch and stayed for the foam-free fountain show.’”
Former showgirls will now serve as ushers at faith-based puppet musicals, while buffet chefs pivot to offering “loaves and fishes-inspired cuisine” with gluten-free communion wafers on the side.
“I used to make martinis. Now I refill the lemonade at Bible trivia night.”
Reactions to the transformation have ranged from stunned disbelief to passive-aggressive tweeting, but city officials remain confident this is the future Vegas needs. Next month, the iconic “Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas” sign will be replaced with a modest wooden carving reading, “Blessings to Wholesome Las Vegas—Now With 60% More Morality.”
And for those wondering what happens to Vegas now? Well, it gets written in a gratitude journal, filed with the city, and approved by the Family Fun Oversight Board.
