Letter to the Editor — “Pick on Someone Your Own IQ!”
By Harold Blimkins, Offended Everyman
Dear Lampoon Times,
I have been a loyal reader ever since I mistook your site for legitimate news, but lately I find myself deeply troubled by your so-called “reporting.”
Your recent stories—“Biden Found Eating Seasoning at Trader Joe’s” and “Qatar Donates Jet to President Trump”—are not only wildly inappropriate but unfair to two great American patriots.
Joe Biden is a man of dignity, and if he chooses to eat “Everything But the Bagel” seasoning with a wooden spoon, that’s between him and his gastrointestinal tract. And President Trump’s new jet clearly has nothing to do with Qatar wanting to curry favor somehow.
You claim to be satire, but this feels more like bullying with a thesaurus. How about making fun of someone else for once? Like Canada? Or communists?
Respectfully steamed,
Harold Blimkins
Peoria, IL
Editor’s Reply — “Seasoned Mockery Is Our Specialty”
J.R. Rantsworth, Lampoon Times
Dear Mr. Blimkins,
Thank you for your note, and for remaining a loyal reader.
We’d like to assure you that Lampoon Times strives for the highest standard of bi-partisan ridicule. We mock Democrats and Republicans with equal ferocity, so long as they give us something absurd to work with—which, frankly, they do daily.
One week, former President Biden forgets he’s not at brunch and spoon-feeds himself seasoning. The next, President Trump accepts a jet in exchange for something we’ll find out about in the future. We do not discriminate. We simply report the nonsense, add Photoshop, and let the democracy digest itself.
Rest assured, Harold, that no party is safe, no ego is sacred, and yes—we have recently issued a few blistering takedowns of Canada’s madness. Watch for upcoming articles on Russia too. You won’t be disappointed.
Yours in equal-opportunity satire,
J.R. Rantsworth
Lampoon Times
“Lampooning Left, Right, and Occasionally Upwards”
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
