Trenton, NJ — In a groundbreaking failure of basic spatial reasoning, 32-year-old Greg Thompson has become a local legend—not for heroism or innovation, but for his astonishing inability to park within the lines of a standard parking space.
Witnesses say Greg’s car never occupies a parking spot so much as it threatens multiple at once. “It’s like watching a Roomba try to dock itself—with a hangover,” said local shopper Linda Pearce. “He reversed five times and still ended up diagonally across two spaces and a flower bed.”
Medical experts have now diagnosed Greg with a newly identified condition unofficially called “Parkingson’s”—not to be confused with the serious neurological disorder—described as “an unrelenting resistance to basic parking geometry.”
Dr. Ben Parkson, the nation’s top parking disorder expert, weighed in. “Greg doesn’t see a rectangle—he sees abstract art. This man could have a six-car garage and still park on the lawn.”
“It’s almost as if Greg believes that parking spots are merely suggestions, not actual boundaries.”
Dr. Ben Parkson
Greg’s wife, Sarah Thompson, has tried everything short of divine intervention. “I once placed orange cones and guiding lights in our driveway. He still ended up perpendicular to the garage. I love him, but parallel parking might end our marriage.”
The community, once sympathetic, is now shifting to self-preservation. Grocery stores have begun putting up “Greg-Free Parking” zones, and local teenagers reportedly use his parking attempts as cautionary TikToks.
“I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They’re just lines. Why not go with the flow?”
Greg Thompson, misunderstood motorist
Despite all this, Greg remains blissfully unfazed. “Look, the world’s full of stress. I bring a little chaos to the pavement. Maybe I’m the real artist here,” he said, moments before parking across two handicap spots and a shopping cart return.
For now, Trenton waits with baited breath—and widened parking lanes—to see if Greg will ever align with society, or at least the curb.
Disclaimer: If you believed any part of this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life a little too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
