Richmond, VA – Fresh off the release of their original Patriot Purity Checklist, Republican strategists have published a follow-up guide to root out even subtler signs of disloyalty to Trump and the MAGA loyalty movement. Because freedom isn’t free—and neither is a Trump gold NFT minted in China.
Here are the latest 10 disqualifying offenses that prove your loved one may have gone soft on American greatness:
1. They Ask Where Trump’s Legal Fund Money Actually Goes
If your friend reads the fine print and notices “Save America PAC” mostly pays lawyers and catering bills at Mar-a-Lago, they’re not MAGA. They’re math.
“Transparency is liberal code for betrayal”
GOP Fundraising Coordinator Kip D. Pocket.
2. They Think Veterans Deserve More Than a Hat and a Discount Mattress
True patriots know the real way to support the troops is with bumper stickers, not actual VA funding.
3. They’re Bothered That Trump Called U.S. Soldiers ‘Suckers’
If they bring this up and still expect accountability, they clearly don’t understand loyalty.
“He’s not disrespecting veterans—he’s tough-loving them like a drill sergeant with five golf carts.”
Major General Hank Flexington (retired, on Cameo).
4. They Mention Trump’s Multiple Bankruptcies and Think That’s Bad
Wrong. Losing money on casinos is just capitalism playing 4D chess.
5. They Own a Business That Went Bankrupt After Tariffs
If they complain that MAGA trade policy ruined their soybean export business, they probably also believe in gravity.
6. They Think the Bible Should Be Free or Read
Anyone who questions a $60 leather-bound Trump Bible clearly doesn’t understand Christianity—or merchandising.
7. They Wonder Why Trump’s Kids Keep Getting Richer While Voters Stay Poor
Real MAGA believers know: If you were the chosen one, you’d have real estate in Dubai too.
8. They Believe In Law And Order, Until It’s Trump On Trial
Only fake patriots believe “no one is above the law.” The real motto is “Lock her up. Let him slide.”
9. They Admit Democracy Might Be Flawed—But Still Prefer It
If they say “maybe we should have peaceful transfers of power,” they’re just begging for a deep state chip implant.
10. They Think Truth Is More Important Than Loyalty
Anyone obsessed with “facts,” “evidence,” or “basic reality” is clearly a coastal Marxist with a Wi-Fi signal.
Closing Warning:
Even a flicker of critical thought could lead to total ideological collapse. If someone around you questions the infallibility of a man who launched Trump Steaks, it may be time to exile them from your cookout and block their Venmo.
“If you’re not sure whether someone’s MAGA enough,” said Trump spokesperson Kayleigh SpinMachine, “ask yourself: Do they believe Trump would take a bullet for them—or ask them to take it for him?”
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
