Stamford, CT – In a move both entrepreneurial and morally ambiguous, former daytime TV icon Maury Povich has officially trademarked his legendary catchphrase “You are NOT the father!” to launch a line of graphic t-shirts, hoodies, and greeting cards designed specifically for mothers looking to come clean to unsuspecting spouses in style.
“It’s 2025,” said Povich at a press conference held outside a mall kiosk between a Cinnabon and a DNA testing van. “We live in a time of empowerment. And what better way to tell your husband the kid isn’t his than with a tasteful, pre-shrunk cotton tee?”
The new clothing line, titled Paternity Threads, features bold, celebratory slogans like “Plot Twist: You’re Not the Daddy”, “Guess Who’s the Mailman Now?”, and “23andMe Says LOL.” Each shirt includes a small QR code that links to a digital clip of Maury triumphantly delivering the iconic verdict to a sobbing man clutching a chair.
“I see it as healing through honesty,” Povich explained. “Also, I still have a lot of bills. Turns out daytime television money doesn’t last forever when you buy a yacht called ‘Test Results Pending.’”
Market research shows surprising demand, particularly among women seeking “dramatic yet comfortable” ways to deliver uncomfortable truths. One early customer, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “I wore mine at the Fourth of July BBQ. My husband didn’t get it at first, but when I handed him the paternity results along with a hot dog, it all clicked.”
The apparel has faced some backlash from conservative groups and men named “Travis,” who feel personally targeted by the campaign. Legal experts warn that the clothing could complicate divorce proceedings, particularly if worn during mediation.
Still, the brand is expanding rapidly. Plans are underway for a “You ARE the Father” condolence line aimed at surprise dads, and even a children’s collection called “Daddy-ish.”
When asked if the line was exploitative, Povich responded, “Not any more than I already was on TV for 30 years. At least now you get a shirt.”
As of press time, Walmart had placed a bulk order, and Maury was seen auditioning mannequins by yelling paternity results at them until one fell over dramatically.
It’s not just fashion. It’s closure. With sparkles.
