Hospitals Overwhelmed by the Proudly Unprepared
As a rapidly spreading measles outbreak sweeps across several states, hospitals are filled with unvaccinated patients shocked to discover that “natural immunity” is less effective than internet memes led them to believe.
“We just never thought this would happen,” coughed Chad Brogan, 34, a wellness coach who swears by raw liver and distrusts thermometers. “I mean, my crystals are charged and everything.”
Despite refusing to get a vaccine that’s been available and effective for over half a century, many of these patients are now demanding priority treatment in intensive care units.
“I didn’t trust modern medicine—until I needed all of it.”
Public Sympathy Now at Record Lows
A new poll shows that 71% of citizens believe the unvaccinated should “sit in their rashy little consequences.” The remaining 29% were unclear on what measles actually is, but still supported harsh judgment.
“I had to wait two hours to get my broken ankle checked,” said Maria Holt, a teacher. “Meanwhile, Todd in Room 4 gets a private room after licking a doorknob on purpose. It’s madness.”
Many hospitals are reportedly considering separating patients into two wings: one for the medically responsible, and one for “the willfully itchy.”
“It’s not that we don’t care. It’s that we stopped.”
Unvaccinated Call for Medical Justice
Anti-vaccine activists, now covered in spots and regrettable Facebook posts, are rallying for what they call “medical justice,” insisting they deserve the same level of care as everyone else—regardless of their active decision to ignore half a century of science.
“I should not be punished for exercising my freedom,” shouted Karen DeFarge, who led a protest against local vaccine clinics last year and now communicates primarily through a breathing tube. “Give me liberty and a ventilator!”
In response, overworked nurses have started wearing shirts reading: “We told you so, now hold still.”
“If only sarcasm were a cure, we’d be saved already.”
As the outbreak continues to spread, experts advise staying vaccinated, avoiding conspiracy forums, and not believing your cousin’s YouTube channel is a better source than 60 years of peer-reviewed science. Meanwhile, hospital staff brace for a second wave—of facepalms.
