Redmond, WA — In a bold leap backward, Microsoft announced plans this week to begin building coal power plants—specifically, 1,800 of them—to meet the growing energy demands of its AI platforms.
When pressed on why the company wasn’t investing in cleaner energy, Microsoft spokesperson Jenna Coalbridge said, “Honestly, we’re just trying to keep the president happy and West Virginia relevant. Solar power doesn’t win elections.”
“This will make West Virginia smoggy and proud again!”
President Donald Trump
Dusty Dreams and Digital Schemes
According to internal documents, the coal initiative is part of a larger strategy to “future-proof the past.” With most coal mines shuttered or irrelevant, Microsoft hopes to “resurrect the American soot dream” while running ChatGPT-12 on a hearty mix of Appalachian anthracite and political nostalgia.
“We crunched the numbers,” said Coalbridge. “Building coal power plants creates jobs, produces smoke, and most importantly—lets us name servers after miners.”
President Trump, speaking at the “Soot & Swagger 2025” rally in Beckley, West Virginia, praised Microsoft’s patriotism. “This is tremendous. We’re keeping the skies just cloudy enough. Beautifully suboptimal. Like the good ol’ days.”
Democrats Gasp, Then Cough
Meanwhile, Democrats expressed confusion over the plan, calling it “technologically masochistic.”
“This is like trying to run Xbox Series X on hamster wheels,” said Senator Sheldon Blanch (D-OR). “It’s like strapping a Pentium 386 to a spaceship. There are cleaner, better options!”
Still, Microsoft insists the decision is grounded in pragmatism—not just politics. “We’ve got GPT models simulating entire universes,” said Coalbridge. “Turns out those universes run hotter than actual stars. We needed some real fire—and coal’s got the vibe.”
“We wanted energy that screams ‘freedom’ and smells like burning tires.”
Jenna Coalbridge, Microsoft Spokesperson
Black Lungs, Green Profits
Industry analysts say the decision may solidify Microsoft’s standing among climate change skeptics and historically soot-covered states. The company also announced a new line of AI-generated country songs powered exclusively by coal-fired guitar amplifiers.
When asked if this would hurt the environment, Trump responded, “The environment will be just fine. It’s the media that needs air filters.”
Disclaimer: If you believed any part of this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life a little too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
