New Orleans, LA – A lifelong resident of New Orleans’ lowest-elevation floodplain is expressing shock and dismay after discovering that President Trump—whom he proudly voted for “three separate times, plus a write-in during a mayoral race”—has cut FEMA disaster relief funding, leaving him with no coverage after Hurricane Lurlene reduced his home to a soggy pile of drywall and hope.
“I thought all that government spending was wasteful until I needed it,” said 58-year-old Chester Ray Delacroix IV, standing barefoot in knee-deep water where his living room used to be. “But turns out, when you’re knee-deep in FEMA forms, it don’t feel like waste no more. Feels kinda necessary.”
Delacroix, who has rebuilt his home on the exact same below-sea-level plot three times in the past 18 years—calling it “a tradition, like Mardi Gras but sadder”—says he had no idea the former president’s long-standing disdain for federal emergency programs might eventually affect him personally.
“I thought he was just cutting that stuff for, you know, California. And probably poor people,” said Delacroix while retrieving a waterlogged Trump 2024: God’s Candidate sign from his collapsed porch. “But then I called FEMA and they were like, ‘Nah, bro. You’re on your own.’ I was stunned. I thought this man loved America. I just didn’t think I’d end up on the part he didn’t love.”
Trump, reached for comment said that “FEMA is full of losers. We’re building a much better disaster response system called GUTRA—Gut Reaction America. It’s going to be based entirely on instinct. No more handouts. If God floods your house, maybe he’s trying to tell you something. You’ve got to listen.”
Despite the setback, Delacroix remains undeterred. He plans to rebuild yet again on the same spot—a marshy, uninsurable pit just two inches above sea level—because, as he puts it, “God works in mysterious ways. Maybe He just keeps missing.”
When asked if he’d consider moving to higher ground, Delacroix scoffed. “This here’s ancestral land. My daddy built on this spot. And his daddy. And his daddy’s canoe. Plus, if I move, how will the water know where to find me?”
Delacroix hopes to finance his reconstruction using a combination of prayer, duct tape, and a GoFundMe campaign titled “Make My House Great Again… Again… Again… and One More Time.”
As of press time, Delacroix was seen tying a Trump flag to a cypress stump and muttering, “Next storm won’t dare touch it. I believe in the Lord. And the brand.”
