Ontario, Canada – While the hockey world celebrated and cheered last month as “Ovechkin Tops Gretzky” chants rained down from the rafters, one man silently plotted revenge from his VIP seat: Wayne “The Great One” Gretzky—now just “The Slightly Lesser One.”
Despite clapping politely in the arena, Gretzky’s smile reportedly cracked under the pressure of watching a Russian pulverize his 30-year-old record. “It’s not that I’m bitter,” he said through gritted teeth, “but it’s exactly that.”
Return of the Great One: This Time It’s Personal
Sources say Gretzky, 64, is training for a comeback by skating laps around his wine cellar. His plan? A series of one-day contracts with every NHL team willing to humor him, aiming to rack up at least 60 goals before Christmas this year.
“I’ll play for the Ducks, the Coyotes, even the Maple Leafs if I must,” Gretzky declared. “Desperate times call for highly unregulated elder-athletics.”
From Cold War to Cold Shoulders
According to insiders, the sting goes beyond stats. Gretzky, raised during peak Soviet paranoia, reportedly muttered, “First they took our space race, now our scoring titles.”
“This wouldn’t have happened if Sergei Fedorov hadn’t defected,” he added cryptically, before slipping on orthopedic skates.
Meanwhile, President Trump, a self-declared “big Gretzky guy,” chimed in with presidential flair. “All goalies should let Wayne score. It’s called patriotism,” Trump tweeted. “I’ve given pre-emptive pardons to all NHL goalies – no benching or fines!’”
“We’re not rigging games. We’re restoring greatness. Big difference.”
President Donald J. Trump, unofficial commissioner of Gretzky nostalgia
Gretzky’s family has asked fans to support his comeback by donating Bengay, pucks, and emotional validation.
Meanwhile, Ovechkin remains unfazed, stating, “He can have record back. I prefer Stanley Cups. Also, teeth.”
In the end, hockey may be Canada’s game, but revenge is universal. And Wayne Gretzky, fueled by nostalgia, nationalism, and back pain, isn’t going down without at least one more power play. “Ovechkin Tops Gretzky” – we don’t think so.
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
