Richmond, VA – In a bold step toward redefining moderation, tobacco giant Philip Morris has announced the launch of its newest innovation: the Marlboro Maxx Ultra, an extra-strength cigarette roughly the size of a kielbasa, promising to deliver “a whole pack’s worth of satisfaction in just one glorious puff.”
“This is the future of smoking,” declared Philip Morris spokesperson Blaze Carbon during the product unveiling, while standing next to what appeared to be a tobacco-wrapped fireplace log. “People want to smoke less, but they still want to feel like their lungs just did 12 rounds with a leaf blower. We’re delivering efficiency.”
Marketed as “more economical” and “gentler on your smoke breaks,” the Marlboro Maxx Ultra is being sold in single-stick packaging with a surgeon general’s warning printed in bold, blinking font. The product boasts triple-filter technology, a blend of 19 exotic tobaccos, and a satisfying 17-minute burn time—“perfect for quick lunches, weddings, or mid-flight relapses.”
Health experts are, predictably, horrified. “This is like solving overeating by releasing a 12,000-calorie chicken nugget,” said Dr. Helen Wheeze of the American Lung Association. “They’re basically weaponizing convenience.”
In a genius move of corporate spin, Philip Morris is also marketing the product as a “wellness cigarette”—because “you only need one per day,” thereby reducing the number of times you’ll reach for a lighter, your inhaler, or your life insurance policy.
Early testers reported “a brief moment of total consciousness,” followed by an urgent need to sit down and question their life choices.
The company is already exploring a menthol version, tentatively called the Minty Sledgehammer, pending FDA review and possibly divine intervention.
