Vatican City – In a move that left the U.S. Senate blinking like they’d just seen a burning bush, it was revealed this week that Pope Leo’s citizenship will remain dual. This will allow him to hold U.S. citizenship despite now serving as the spiritual and political leader of an entirely different country.
The revelation has sparked a nationwide debate over Pope Leo’s Citizenship, a flurry of bipartisan confusion, and an all-caps meltdown from Donald Trump, who remains upset he was “robbed” of the papacy.
Holy Duality, Batman
“What we have here is a man who can legally vote in Chicago and declare moral dominion over Earth’s 1.3 billion Catholics,” said Senator John Barrasso (R-WY), eyes wide with concern. “That’s just too much power for one man. Unless he’s Elon Musk or President Trump.”
Democrats are equally puzzled at the proposition of dual citizenship. “This is not a partisan issue,” said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). “It’s a logistics issue. Is he filing his taxes as head of state, or head of household?”
“We checked—he still has an Illinois driver’s license. He’s basically the Pope of Chicago.”
INS official Marvin Bell, Homeland Security Committee hearing
Trump Demands Recount of Vatican Votes
From the Mar-a-Lago dining room, Donald Trump called the papal appointment “rigged,” alleging without evidence that “Italian mail-in ballots” were involved.
“I would’ve been a fantastic Pope,” Trump told reporters, holding a gold-plated Bible upside down. “People tell me, ‘Sir, you perform miracles—like avoiding jail.’ And frankly, they’re right.”
“Nobody’s ever been treated worse than me—except maybe Hilary.”
Donald Trump, via social platform Truth
Despite not being Catholic, ordained, or remotely celibate, Trump maintains he was “in the running” and had prepared a papal name: Pope Donaldo Americus I.
Can You Be American and Infallible?
The legal community remains confused. Is Pope Leo, as an American citizen, eligible for jury duty? Can he be summoned to testify before Congress? Can he bless a Chick-fil-A?
Pope Leo himself issued a humble statement: “I serve no flag but Christ’s. But yes, I still get Netflix in English.”
A Vatican-U.S. summit is being planned, pending Pope Leo’s availability and finding DHS officials who have not been eliminated in recent DOGE cuts.
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
