Moscow, Russia – In a move that left both love experts and geopolitical analysts stunned, Russian President Vladimir Putin has reportedly declared himself “Russia’s Most Eligible Bachelor” and will star in an upcoming state-sponsored reality show titled The Bachelor: Kremlin Edition.
According to state media, the show will be “a celebration of strong leadership, romantic resilience, and shirtless horseback riding.”
The announcement follows rumors of a quiet breakup between Putin and former Olympic gymnast Alina Kabaeva. Rather than issuing a statement, Putin allegedly told aides, “Let the motherland see I’m still a hot commodity. Shirt off. Camera on.”
“He’s mysterious, emotionally unavailable, and controls 6,000 nuclear warheads.”
The series will air weekly on RT and feature 25 hand-picked contestants—ranging from regional governors’ daughters to a suspiciously attractive Belarusian diplomat—all competing for Putin’s frozen heart and possibly a minor government contract.
Episodes will include romantic activities like:
- Building a tactical dacha in Siberia
- Making borscht while blindfolded
- Competing in shirtless judo with no rules
“He’s mysterious, emotionally unavailable, and controls 6,000 nuclear warheads. What more could a girl want?” said Anya Mirova, a contestant and deputy agricultural minister from Tver.
“One rose per episode—because that’s how scarcity builds loyalty.”
Yuri Smirnov, Kremlin showrunner and former propaganda poet
Mysterious Suitors Eliminated by Helicopter or Just Vanish Quietly
Producers confirmed that traditional eliminations will be replaced with “creative departures,” including:
- Helicopter extractions
- Disappearances into unmarked black vans
- Reassignments to Arctic weather stations
Yuri Smirnov, the show’s state-appointed producer, says the format “blends romance with deeply unsettling realism.”
Putin will reportedly present roses in a dimly lit war room beneath the Kremlin while orchestral versions of the Soviet anthem play in the background.
“This isn’t about love. It’s about reminding NATO I still got it.”
Vladimir Putin, allegedly, during shirtless confessional scene
Putin’s press secretary refused to confirm whether a winner would actually marry the president, stating only, “The final rose is symbolic. Like our elections.”
Analysts say it’s unclear whether the show will soften Putin’s image or just confuse everyone. Either way, expect roses… and military parades. The Bachelor: Kremlin Edition will air weekdays at 8pm on NTV.
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
