Sundays With Seymour
Welcome back to Sundays with Seymour, where common sense still has visitation rights and irony hasn’t fled the country—yet. This week, we’re diving into the newest American tradition: getting offended in public and suing. It used to be that you’d just grumble and change the channel. Now? You launch legal proceedings because your neighbor’s bumper sticker hurt your truth chakra.
We’ve gone from “sticks and stones” to “your opinion gave me shingles.” From rugged individualism to delicate litigation. This isn’t justice—it’s a televised feelings tribunal sponsored by your least favorite coffee chain.
So buckle up, buttercups. Seymour’s got a fresh hot take for your therapist and your legal team.
There was a time in this country when being offended simply meant you muttered under your breath and changed the channel. Today, it means you hire a lawyer, launch a GoFundMe, and appear on three podcasts to discuss your emotional injuries sustained while witnessing… someone else’s freedom.
Welcome to the new American pastime: getting offended in public and suing for hurt feelings.
We’ve now weaponized being uncomfortable into a constitutional crisis. Someone flew a rainbow flag near your cul-de-sac? Emotional distress. A book in a school library made you think? Call the state board. A company didn’t say “Merry Christmas” with enough eye contact? Get the ACLU on the line — your holiday spirit has been legally violated.
The Land of the Free (to Be Constantly Outraged)
Gone are the days when we sued because of actual injuries. Slipped on a wet floor? Sue. Medical malpractice? Sue. Now?
- Teacher mentioned climate change — sue for psychological destabilization.
- Neighbor flew a foreign flag — sue for cultural trauma.
- Starbucks barista spelled your name “Karyn” instead of “Karen”? Class action.
Apparently, the First Amendment now means: “No one may say or do anything that causes me to feel things I don’t like.” God bless America — but only the version of it you personally approve of.
Even public school curriculums are being shaped by the lawsuit potential of emotional offense. Teaching history? Too controversial. Teaching biology? Too ideological. Teaching empathy? Witchcraft.
Offended? File Suit. Disagree? Lawyer Up. Exist Differently? Good Luck.
The right to not be offended is now treated like a constitutional amendment—ironically by people who constantly complain that everyone else is “too sensitive.” The “snowflakes” they mock? Just kids. The lawsuits they file? Federal.
And let’s not forget social media, where entire legal theories are now drafted in the comments section. We’re one Instagram story away from setting legal precedent based on how “vibes” felt during brunch.
Final Thought:
In a country built on freedom of expression, we now demand protection from perceiving it. But here’s the thing: being offended is not the same as being oppressed. And feeling uncomfortable isn’t a violation of your rights—it’s a sign they’re working.
The Constitution wasn’t written in emojis. It was written in ink—by people who knew that liberty sometimes means hearing things you hate.
If your lawsuit is based on discomfort, I have two pieces of advice: Grow up. Turn the page.
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
