Palm Beach, FL – Donald Trump defends Putin and reignited controversy this week after once again leaping to Vladimir Putin’s defense, insisting Ukraine “shouldn’t have made itself so available” to invasion and suggesting a peaceful solution would involve Ukraine “gifting some real estate” to Russia.
Putin’s Newest Fanboy
“Putin is very misunderstood. Tremendous guy. Honestly, if I had something to hide, wouldn’t I be hiding better?”
President Trump, speaking to reporters aboard Air Force One
When pressed about a rumored 2008 video allegedly held by the Kremlin, Trump smiled and added, “I looked terrific that year. Very athletic.”
The phrase “Trump Defends Putin” began trending after the president implied Ukraine provoked the war by “being all independent and border-y.” Putin responded through a state media translator, calling Trump “a very good boy. Obedient. Strong loyalty. Good hair.”
GOP Having Existential Stroke
The Republican Party, historically suspicious of Russia, is now navigating a minefield of conflicting emotions, repressed memories, and Fox News soundbites.
“We used to love Reagan and hate the Soviets,” muttered Sen. Jerry Moran (R-KS). “Now we’re applauding a man who wrestles bears and blackmails presidents. I miss when our biggest problem was gay wedding cakes.”
“We’re deeply troubled by this—but also terrified of his tweets,” said a GOP aide hiding inside an abandoned IRS building.
Ukraine Shocked, But Not Surprised
Ukrainian officials were appalled but not entirely caught off guard. President Zelensky, when informed of Trump’s comments, reportedly sighed for 27 seconds and then asked for “more Javelins, fewer jokes.”
Trump’s proposed peace plan, dubbed “The Art of the Surrender,” involves Ukraine relinquishing the Donbas region, Crimea, and “a nice beach town as a goodwill gesture.”
“If someone invades your home, you offer them the guest room—it’s just manners,” Trump added while misidentifying Ukraine on a map of South Dakota.
As the GOP searches for its spine and Putin searches for Wi-Fi to upload those 2008 tapes, America watches in confusion, popcorn in hand.
Disclaimer: If you believed this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
