Bentonville, AR – Shoppers nationwide were stunned this week as it was discovered that Wal-Mart increases prices on thousands of household items—ranging from air fryers to inflatable unicorn sprinklers—due to newly imposed tariffs on imported goods. The news was met with confusion, outrage, and several TikToks expressing dismay.
While the cause of the increases was clearly tied to tariffs, a wave of political gaslighting followed.
“We were told tariffs would punish other countries, not our wallets.”
Shopper Sally Hoopenloper, while abandoning a cart with 37 patriotic-themed garden gnomes.
CEO Uses “Math” to Justify Price Increases
Wal-Mart CEO Doug McMillon, speaking from the company’s Arkansas headquarters (not a golf course), explained that costs have gone up, so prices had to be adjusted. It seems that outside of Washington and Mar-a-Lago, math is still math.
The explanation was met with bipartisan skepticism, particularly from people who don’t understand where things come from or how supply chains work.
President Trump quickly fired back on Truth Social: “Wal-Mart is LYING! Tariffs don’t raise prices. Prices raise themselves. Tariffs are totally cost-free and paid by other countries.”
“It’s hard to know who to trust: the man who sells socks or the man who bankrupts casinos.”
Consumers Torn Between Facts and Loyalty Points
As the phrase “Wal-Mart increases prices” trends on Google, many consumers remain in denial. Some have opted to purchase now while others have taken to organizing shopping cart protests in the parking lot
“If I can’t impulse-buy a panini press and ten tubs of popcorn at 11 p.m., is this even America?” cried one tearful customer.
Economists have attempted to explain how tariffs directly impact retail prices, but their efforts have been largely ignored. It seems consumers are more in favor of Instagram memes and whatever Elon Musk is saying this week.
Still, the financial reality continues to set in. Sales of “Live, Laugh, Love” throw pillows are reportedly down 17%.
Disclaimer: If you believed any part of this article was real —or worse, felt personally offended — you might be taking life a little too seriously. It’s satire, not a subpoena. Relax and remember jokes aren’t assault.
